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lp13a13ex54x (profile) wrote,
on 5-27-2003 at 7:30pm
Current mood: stressed
Music: *mOBSCENE*Manson*
Subject: you never really know whats gonna happen...until it does.
sitting at home right now at the comp. some huge storm has set in so its pouring down rain. in a way thats how i feel on the inside. school was okay today i guess..i kind of ignored eddie because i was upset. but thats normal i suppose. in 2nd hour we were doin this memorial day thing where you shared what you did over the weekend..mine was pretty interesting because it said it had to have math terms..so i said i cried for 4 hours. yeah, creative right? moving right along..kathys gonna pass afterall, thanks god because i need her soooo much. and shell be attending piper too, *yay*. in 5th hour i was kind of depressed and i wrote zane a note. i thoughts about it alot and before 6th hour started i saw kathy and i gave her a hug and i started crying. so we went to the bathroom and i told her what was going on. we spent about 45 minutes of 6th hour in the bathroom, even though it didnt feel like that long. i told her about the note and explained what was going on. at fist i didnt wanna give zane the note because i felt like if he replied and it upset me then it all wouldnt have been worth it but im gonna let kathy give it to him anyway and see what happens.. then zanes girlfriend came in the bathroom and was like "youre stephanie right?" and im like yeah and iw as still kinda sobbing..well she gave me a dirty look and she asked kathy what was wrong with me. kathy didnt say anything though. i love her. we stayed in there and talked about everything from life to death and all thats in between. even the hygene in the bathroom! lol were such losers. oh well. well eventually i stopped crying and we talked some more about life with cara and marisa and mary. lol mary. then we went back to class and mrs holland pretended to yell at kathy so that the class wouldnt think that we got away with spending all that time in the bathroom. the bell rang shortlty after and i got a ride home with kathy. my mom was at a doctor appointment and she didnt leave the front door open for me so i had to crawl through the back kitchen window and over the kitchen sink. blergh. fun fun fun, only....lies. well its like 7:33 and they still arent home...i keep hearing noises in the house and i just watched the ring again yesterday so..gah..::shiver:: lol im sucha loser. i talked to zane earlier and i now have him in control of my pain killer supply because he doesnt trust that ill take the right amount and he believes ill overdose...which is prob. right. heh. ah yes, even after all of that relationship crap and wotnot that i wrote in the other journal im going back out with eddie again. his apologies seemed sincere enough and hopefully i was right. i cant take much more hurt right now. i really do care about him though. hes reading my journal right now which makes me nervous because well..i kinda spazzed out on one of the entries and i dont want him to be updet over it. i guess he cant be though because its how i felt at that moment and that was just my way of venting. ugh..still nervous though. lol. i hope he isnt that pissed off over it. im not ever gonna say things about the future anymore because things happen and we just do things at the spur of the moment sometimes. like how i said i never wanted a relationship again..i need to think more. i told you so renee! lol. god im sucha loser. its ok cus all my friends know that already and still they seem to hang out with me. hey that just makes YOU guys losers too! ::points nd laffs:: lol. im still kind of depressed i guess and theres no telling when ill get my way out of all of this but i hope its soon. because i hate feeling like this. i really do. its funny cus i was asking everyones opinion today on what i should do..jsut..about everything and i never really end up taking advice afterall. im just ignorant like that and hopefully ill get over it and through it all in one piece. i just feel so alone even though i KNOW i have people there for me and that just makes me feel even more stupid. like im some attention moocher or something. i guess ill never really know because sometimes my friends are too nice to tell me how i really am. i love them though, all of them. ..well..still home alone..blergh. listening to music from the tv. love this song "fine again" seether..mmm. well this ones for john:
John: i really didnt notice that i left you out of my entires before but god knows i shouldnt have. you are one of my closest friends and even after all that ive done to you by being a bitch and just..everything..youve always been there for me and not a moment goes by where i dont appreciate it.youre really something else and im glad that were friends. with all of that said.....stuart little 2. ::cackles::

well thats it people, another day another entry, byes! -Stephanie

~*It seems like every days the same
and I?m left to discover on my own
It seems like everything is gray
and there?s no color to behold
They say it?s over and I?m fine again, yeah
Try to stay sober feels like I?m dying here

And I am aware now of how
everything?s gonna be fine one day
Too late, I?m in hell I am prepared now,
seems everyone?s gonna be fine
One day too late, just as well

I feel the dream in me expire
and there?s no one left to blame it on
I hear you label me a liar
?cause I can?t seem to get this through
You say it?s over, I can sigh again, yeah
Why try to stay sober when I?m dying here

And I am aware now of how
everything?s gonna be fine one day
Too late, I?m in hell
I am prepared now,
seems everyone?s gonna be fine
One day too late; just as well

And I?m not scared now.
I must assure you,
you?re never gonna get away
And I?m not scared now.
And I?m not scared now. No?

I am aware now of how
everything?s gonna be fine one day
Too late, I?m in hell
I am prepared now
seems everyone?s gonna be fine
One day too late, just as well
I am prepared now,
seems everything?s gonna be fine
For me, for me, for myself.
For me, for me, for myself
For me, for me, for myself
I am prepared now for myself
I am prepared now, and I am fine again
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