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|lp13a13ex54x (profile) wrote, |
on 6-6-2003 at 2:24pm
|well damn..alot of shit has happened lately. i actuallly got ahold of erin last night and we made plans for her to come down to ft lauderdale for a while and bum around with me until like sunday. i just have to talk to my father about if he can take her home on sunday or not. thats really all that we need to know now and then everythings set. which im happy about because i need to see her again its been forever and all this crap has been goin on and i feel like i have to update her on everything. plus she has to meet some of my mentally challenged friends. well, i stayed home from school today because they were holding an award ceremony and i know i shouldnt have received anything, plus after that half of the 8th grade was gonna be picked up early anyway to go get ready for the dance and wotnot, which i am NOT attending for the last godforsaken time. kathy and cara and ms. holland were bugging me about it yesterday after 6th hour but none of that really affected me. sorry guys. i just dont "do" social gatherings like that of the 8th grade dance, im trying to stay as far away from that school as possible if i can. to tell you the truth, sure ill miss a few people when im gone but i honestly cant wait to get the hell out of there. i have way too many memories there with people attending that school and its going to be such a release to just say to hell with all of it and move on with my life, meet new people, earn a new identity different from that of the one which i have gained for myself at bair. i guess ill always be searching for something more than what i already have, tis just human nature i suppose. that or its just that theres a possibility that i can never be satisfied...but im attempting to look on the bright side for once and give myself a shot. ive been depressed all over again lately. i broke up with eddie yesterday because theres so much i need to work out with myself and i just dont feel that its right to try and juggle a relationship all at the same time. plus me having feelings for another person, completely disregarding the fact that they think im anybody anymore just proves that i cant handle a relationship with eddie right now. it wouldnt be fair for him and i dont want to seem like im leading him on. i probably should have gotten it off of my chest to him sooner but i had to think of how i would say it so that he didnt think i was just making up excuses to break off the relationship. but all is done now and only time may tell what happens for here on out. i feel like theres always going to be a part of me that ill never be able to quite, "find" again. i think i lost that a long time ago, along with some of my sanity. im so unhappy with myself its pathetic and i feel like just as soon as everything starts to get the least bit better it all just crumbles into my lap again and all thats left is me dealing with a bunch more bullshit and complaining about it as always. i feel like itll just never go away and im just getting sucked further into this black whole that i can never change. i was a fool to think that things would actually start to get better as bad as they were and while i try to fill all of my friends with this advice of hope and whatnot im just being a giant hypocrite. people have a right to feel like their world is crashing down around them because the truth sometimes is that it really is. i know i have friends that want to help but i get bitchy when they ask about it because i just dont want the help. i want it gone, everything. and i expect only myself to be able to take care of it. maybe thats not the smartest thing but it works for me. ive never felt so lonely on the inside before and its like nothing anybody says can ever take all of that pain and frusteration away. or even make any of it better for that matter. people can try but it just doesnt do it, im just untouchable i guess. in all of the worst ways. and im just feeding all of my emotions until it all just comes up and eats me alive and the truth of the matter is that i just dont even care anymore, abotu anything, anyone, anyplace, anyhow. just take all of it away. lock me away somewhere where ill never have to see the light of day again. why have me on this earth wasiting this life that i lead when some aids ridden or crippled person can be doing it for me. i have the health thing down pat, just not the emoitional material to handle all of this. someone else deserves this life more than i do and i know that. im just here to take up space and thats not me complaining im just saying what i feel. so if you have a feeling that im just whining about it to get attention. then fuck you. because if i was, and youre the one reading this entry then obviously it worked now didnt it? but of course nobody thinks of that. its called stradegy. its called living on this earth until you cant take it anymore, and ive seen well past my share of enough. enough of everything. it just doesnt matter anymore and it all can bounce right back up at me and bite me in the ass if it wants to because i cant even feel the damn pain anymore. its all just a cloud of emptyness surrounded by all of the feelings that i dont ahve anymore. i just cant feel anymore period even when i try to. i cant even cry anymore because what good would it do? nothing. and in a way i dont care. i dont care about myself or making good with everyone else because were all going to die some day so why wit and waste my time? thats all that it really is and ever was to begin with. its all been more than i can handle and im just waiting for it all to come crashing down on me like it always has. ive given up all hope of ever having another relationship with *him* ..im glad that hes happy but if his bitch continues to make dirty looks at me in the hallways or anywhere EVER again i wont hesitate to slit her fucking throat. because whats more fun then being suicidal with homicidal tendencies huh kiddies? might as well go out with a bang. at least thats my take on all of it . i understand why he gave me a feeling of hope though. i really do. to side track me so that i would leave him alone for the time being. well for a while it actually worked i must say, but it all remains the same. its just like any other day and im stuck in the middle drowning in everything ive ever been able to feel and its just a matter of time until i sink to the very bottom and lose myself completely. that doesnt sound too bad right about now either, almost a little too inviting. well, goodbye folks.