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|saywhat? (profile) wrote, |
on 6-9-2003 at 12:05am
|Music: sappy crappy
Subject: basically the same as the music
|yeah that whole not crying thing last time? well it seems ive done enough crying in this past week to last a lifetime...
I totally made myself a cage..
growing up i never talked about being sad..or hurt or basiaclly associated any feeling with myself other than happiness. which was all fine growing up..made alot of freinds.
.but what happends when you start being rally unahappy..and your think..hey screw it i dont want to deal with this alone(which is a hueg step to begin with) and then yo say to your freinds...yeah i had a really bad day today/yesterday/all week..ive been really emotional..and they change the subject..what the hell is that?
Do i not have the right to be sad...do i not have the right to actually let it be known. i mean i thought that is what part of freindships were all about. yes i cry. and lately ive been doing it alot. and you know what im not ashamed of it either..i just had the odd asumption of thinking that my freinds would stick by me whether or not i was the freaky happy chipper katy i normally am. you know what. im not happy all the time..and in all honesty..and thisis just something im begining to realize about myself. im not that nice either.
I am the kinda person that can admit things about themselves that norma ppl dotn want to. you know what. i am a bitter person. i admit it. doesnt make me bad..you know what else..i talk about my freind sbehind thier backs...not all of them. but in all honesty i have some "freinds" that just use me and i can bend over and kiss thier asses one hundred times over and it wont change the fact that theyre still not good freinds back to me. so i say screw them as well.
so yeah its scarey to reaslize that the psron you always thought you were....your not. hey i lost my niceness..i guess that just happends when ppl treat me lbad one too many times...still doenst change the fact that i cant tell ppl when i cry...it just means that i am now a mean person...that cant tell anyone that she cries..
SO I CRIED IN MEIJERS 2 WEEKS AGO...yeah i did. sat on a swing and talked with my freind for about 20 minuts. started talking about sad stuff...and got sad..i said to myself i will not cry in meijers..and of course the fact that i was trying not to made me do it..what does my freind say? stop your going to myake me cry...OOOO FORGIVE ME. forgive me for making you cry over something that has nothing to freaking do with you. WOW.
i have way too much animostiy towards everything right now