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strawberrychapstick (profile) wrote,
on 6-11-2003 at 12:36am
Current mood: indescribable
Subject: strangest mood...
u kno how u get over summer vacation when uve done nothing but read interesting books for teh past two days and then see a movie that makes you think and pretty soon ur sitting in front of ur computer eating strawberry yogurt and writing in ur online journal about how ur in the strangest mood? well im sure u dont becuase thats wut im doing right now and if you were too then ud be me and things would be even more complicated! haha. no but seriously, i dont even know what "seriously" means anymore! it can be scary to think way too much sometimes. i mean when u just sit by urself and THINK all day long... maybe u dont kno the feeling, i wouldnt be surprised if u didnt. i just feel like running up to someone i "know" and have gone to school with all this time and say, "hi my name is alexa, its so nice to meet you after all these years of seeing eachother everyday." i just wanna KNOW someone- like understand wuts underneath the surface and what makes them tick. especially me. if i knew more about me.... if everyone knew more about themselves this world would be better off- but the thing is we dont know that who we are everyday probably isnt whats really at our core- its just this facade we tell ourselves is who we are and we lead people on to beleive it too. and doesnt it work well? look around! but its interesting that im thinking all this, because im not even unhappy whatever that word means. usually people only question whats around them when theyre not satisfied with it, and sometimes not even then. how can i only be 15 years old? i feel like ive lived a million years and seen it time and time again! thats probably why at the age of ten i decided i beleived in reincarnation... where was i leading with this again? hahaha i just had a picture in my head of caryn saying, "o no she's gone completely philosophical on us! stop it alexa ur scaring me!" haha ya well i scare me too- and i like it that way. it keeps things interesting. im scared of going back to school cuz i kno i have two options, be a total whacko and do whatever i want in light of my freespirited philosophies or just blend right in like ive done my whole life, give in to the conformity. cuz im split you kno- maybe not right down the middle, but pretty close. i can tell myself what others think of me doesnt matter all i want! i really can but it doesn matter cuz teh other side of me really cares! it really does and i realize it right now as i type it more than ever. i am such a split personality! i swear one day ill start hearing voices and it will be confirmed- im insane. my societally-correct side calls my other side a looney and is dreadfully embarrased of it. then my wild-child-whatever-i-wanna-do-and-think side says who the fuck cares and puts on a fancy dress and sits in the rain. god and to think im about to post this on a public journal for all the world to see(see that was side 1) haha bipolar girl.... u kno ill probably erase this all one day- i wont beleive i was in such a flimsy mood to just post it all up... but right now im side number 2 and who the hell cares! LALALALALALA! ive read 4 novels in the past 2 days and i saw this movie pumpkin which at first i couldnt stand and then i turned out to really like. its one of those things like that saying, "a picture is worth more than a sum of its parts" and that one really was. i also wrote two lovely letters to my 2 best friends who are at camp together right now (im goin next session) and i painted my toes AND my fingers this orangey red color called Juicy Tomato on the bottle... sometimes i realize- im just an ordinary girl, but thats my greatest fear because u kno id rather be ANYthnbutordnry! ;-)

p.s. how cheesey was that last part?! hahahaa
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