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lp13a13ex54x (profile) wrote,
on 6-11-2003 at 9:32pm
Current mood: *tear*
Music: "rest in peace" off of the buffy musical soundtrack..performed by james marsters.
Subject: cant stop crying... =/
these past couple days have been a bunch of mental hell for me. and if you dont want to hear about it or youre tired of hearing about it then get the hell out of my journal because thats why this piece of crappy emotional mess is here! anyway, i havent talked about anything like this with friends in a while. i guess i felt it best to leave it alone so i wouldnt have to bring it up but nothing is changing, or getting better or even going away. and i hate it. i wanna just fall to the floor and scream and cry and curse obscenities as loud as physically possible and even louder because i feel like the only one who hears me or is listening is myself. and its my fault you know, because people offer all the time if i want to talk about it but i shun them all away. so in a way i shouldnt even be complaining, but i cant talk about it i just cant. because i completely fall apart and whats left of me is nothing more then a ball of emotional bullshit. tomorrow is the last day of school, and in a way, i couldnt be happier. maybe there are a few people that i am going to miss but to hell with all of it because i just need to escape. i need to get away and keep on running until theres nobody around to stop me, i just want to move away to some isolated deserted island and just beat the crap out of myself until i lie as a bloody pulp on the floor, motionless and distraught. in a way it feels like things are already looking like that you know? and i feel like i have everything and absolutely nothing all at the same time and NOBODY can do anything about it. especially not myself. like im become something so horrible that nobody could ever understand and the thoughts are just screaming inside of my head for someone to let me out of here! but its impossible for anyone to notice them. how i long for everything to just be ok, but it never is! never! even when it feels like it something always comes along and screws things up all over again and most of the time its my damn fault. like im just doomed to live with this pain and pent up anger. until i burst and theres simply nothing left, if im even considered something now. i love mike, i really do, but i dont know if i should be "with" in this way when i still have all of these emotions for well, this other person. i know he says he doesnt care but i think hes just playing along to keep me happy so that i wont feel like hes jealous or something, even though he really isnt the jealous type. today though, this was something completely different. im just trying to cope with the fact that hes been seeing someone else now, and its finally catching up with me even though it hasent felt so real. and i was laughing and having a good time and everything, i really was! but then i just turn the corner and i see the two of them kissing, and its like..i dont know. i just got really teary and my wee tiny heart shrivled into nothing and sunk into my stomach. and i just want all of it to stop! goddamnit! i dont want to get like this every damn time that i see him with her but this is actually the first time that ive witnessed them doin something like that and it just...ugh it hit me really hard. and i wasnt alright for the entire rest of the day. i had to hold it in and it sucked worse then anything else ever. i saw kathy in the hallway right before 5th hour after he said hi to me and she walked over and i told her what happened and even after i just mentioned it i wanted to go hurl myself in the direction of the bathroom and throw up. god i felt so bad. so bad that i was so damn pathetic when i have to get used to it eventually. but i feel like i wont ever...because they woudlnt even be together if i didnt mess things up! and i started thinking about all of that again and it just got me even sicker. and kathy offered to go to the bathroom with me and talk to me and stuff but i just couldnt take it because i cant stand people asking me whats wrong anymore because its just too much to have to explain. i dont mind about kathy because shes one of my best friends and shes always helping me with things especially involving this subject, but if i got all red and had to go back to class, the 3rd degree would be neverending. and i just couldnt take it. already in the hallway as i was walking away from her i felt myself tear up and i was even around mikey joseph and maria! god..hell of a pair to lose yourself completely in front of. im being sarcastic. =/ so i sucked it up like a trooper until i got home and cried my internal organs out on my bed. then later on my mom went to take my sister to her girl scout meeting and i went to mc donalds with ash,sam,and mike. we got back and everything was alright for a while. then almost everyone left and mom came home and said i had to babysit while she and eva went out to the mall. so thats what im doing now with a bit of company. its so hard to even smile these days. i just want out. you think california is far enough away from sunrise? me too. ugh. like i said b4, im so glad tomorrow is the last day. the people who really matter ill probably end up seeing over the summer anyway so thats not a big deal. everyone else can go screw themselves because i have too many damn memories at bair. and most of them just so happen to be painful as hell. im so numb and its killing me. just eating away at me slowly until theres absolutely nothing left. and ive finally chosen to just sit back and let it consume me. i fucked things up between me and him when i would have had a chance. case closed. and shes even going over to his house tomorrow and i just cant stop thinking why i care about what they do. but inside my heart i know exactly why. goddamn. i need some pills. a fucking truck load of them. *sobs* im just glad in a way that i wont have to face him and her, or at least her in school anymore after tomorrow. god i hope that things will get better. i cant go on living like this, i know it isnt healthy but i cant stand to do anything about it and even if i wanted to i feel like there isnt anything i could do because ive tried getting over my feelings for him way too many times before and nothings seems to be working. i sit and try to believe that hes the most horrible person in the world and i just cant, just ANYTHING to convince me that hes not worth it and it just doesnt work damnit! and i cant take it! i cant be forced to live in a world that has him in it! i just cant! not with everything weve been through slowly turning into a whole bunch of nothing. i cant sit back and watch that happen. its too much, just like everything else. i feel so jealous, and stupid, and slutty, and just..everything. and i am you know? damnit. get me the fuck out of here because if this is some sick fucking joke i just wanna go home. -Stephanie
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