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lp13a13ex54x (profile) wrote,
on 6-24-2003 at 9:08pm
Current mood: depressed
Music: The Ataris-In this diary
Subject: yeah...hi
like i said...things always seem to get worse once they start getting better. tis just my luck i suppose. well i havnt heard from ray in 3 whole days now. i wonder how hes doing, or WHO hes doing as a matter of fact. i really care about him and i never meant to get emotionally attatched to another person ever again but he just came into my life at a very complicated time and well, shit happens. i miss him. and at this point, i dont know if i even should. i talked to kristen and bryan recently and they told me a little bit about his disturbing "reputation" with the people that he dates. it seems kristen caught him cheating on her a while after they went out. and danny told me that he cheated on this other girl 4 times with 4 different other girls. bryan basicly implied the same thing. i know you cant really change people but damn, i really wish that i could. i want to talk to ray about this so bad and i know that i need to. again, i went up to the skate park earlier today and i saw his "mom" there and it seems that she hasnt heard from him either lately. goddamn i really wanna see him and straighten things out just to know where we stand. i dont want to break up with him but i dont know if i can trust him either with all of this news that ive been getting from people that know him better than i do obviously. erin says that i should break up with him before things get worse and i really get attatched to him but i would rather just try to clear things up with him myself rather than give up on everything all together because when i look at it in another light, hes like, everything ive wanted in a guy. the badass, the sexual half, the sweet cuddling half, funny, great personality, outgoing, just...everything, his whole, "-ness" just puts me in awe and i cant get enough of it. i thought his only flaw was that he smoked, but even that doesnt bother me as much as all of the facts that have been put into new light as of the other day, what bryan and everyone said i mean. i wonder if ray really does care about me, or if hes just using me. or whats really wrong with him that he hasnt come around lately. im just really concerned i guess. and theres no way to find out what hes really up to unless i can talk to him in person and set everything right, or at least try to. im talking to danny now, and he hasnt heard from him either. joey said that he would talk to ray for me, and joey also told me not to get that upset over it because "rays nothing to get this upset over"...but i mean..isnt he? i mean i would rather get upset over he who hasnt really hurt me just yet/....then have my entire stomache lurch and sulk every time someone brings up zane and all of our old problems. and you know what? ray also was in the process of helping me move on and away from all the zane bullshit..even though he doesnt know about it. hes really something else. god i hope we dont split up. i feel like he MUST care about me in a way, because its like, he knows that when he smokes it bothers he always asks me and he gets so upset when he thinks that im mad at him. that has to mean something right? or am i just imagining it? i cant be..afterall weve only been together a few days and he didnt have to ask me out to begin with after what happened at the skate park. but he still did. that HAS to say something...god i hope so. then, the other day erin was all serious when we were up at the skate park and she told ray that we needed to talk to him about something...and he looked soooooooooo sad because he thought that i was going to break up with him. then he kept on telling me that he loved me. i mean, he never even said that to kristen...and he was so persistant about it too! i thought he was so awesome and so did erin! god, i hope that he doesnt mess this up for himself and well, us. i wish he knew how much i appreciated all of this. and i hope that what im thinking hes doing right now isnt really happening. all i want is to stay with him and be able to trust him. itd be so nice to think that i could change the way someone is, for the better i mean. i hope everything works out in the end.. i havent been this happy in so long. if only he knew... hes of the best guys ive chosen to go out with =/ ::sigh:: -Stephanie

"All I need is a moment, a chance to get away from the stressfulness of every day. I know if I don't question and I never doubt, everything is gonna' be okay."
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