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|kate (profile) wrote, |
on 7-13-2003 at 12:06am
|I have been incredibly naive. I hate myself more than I ever have. I'm not expecting sympathy, I just need to apologize and fix this the best way I know how. I don't think this will fix it, but I'm dying at the thought of all I've done, so I need to apologize. I don't know how I did it and I know if I had known what I was doing, I would've stopped. I thought I knew everything that was happening, that I was in control, but James you were right, I was thinking about myself too much. I try too hard to make everybody and myself happy at the same time and it just can't be done. Now that I've realized what I've done, I want to die, it's what I deserve, but I'm going to try my hardest to make things right and not screw it up again.
James, I really did like you. I don't remember what I was thinking when I went out with Eric and made you wait, then made you wait for nothing because I went out with Justin. I'm incredibly sorry. I would never, never want to hurt you, or be another Connie. I care about you deeply and I never had the intention of doing that. I was naive.. and I hope you'll forgive me.. You're a friend I love.. and would hate to lose.
Justin, I'm sorry the most to you. I always have cared about your feelings, but me liking Joe couldn't be helped. Nothing was ever intentional. Your anger is understandable and you have no idea how bad I feel. I deserve to feel this horrible, I know.. I'm really sorry for ruining what we had, because I know it was a good relationship. You're one of my best friends and I hate that I ruined our friendship too. I miss you alot. I don't blame you if you don't care or if you want me to wallow in my self pity, because I do deserve it. So, although I still don't feel like I put into words exactly what I wanted to say, I did my best.. Justin, I'm deeply sorry, and I really do love you.
Joe, I have not done anything to you to be sorry for. I am, however, going to tell you that I am incredibly more naive than I thought I was and I'm afraid I might hurt you, as I have others.. I'm going to try so hard not to hurt you or anyone else. My promise is that I will be extremely careful in what I do and say. The choice is yours, if we're going to keep trying with us, since you know ... me ... now, I guess. I promise I'm still truthful and always have been. I love you too.
There.. that's all I know to say. I'm in pain with my thoughts swarming in my head and I do hate myself. I understand if that doesn't bother you. I'm not asking for you to forgive me, I'm just letting you know how I feel. You three are so important to me. If I would've known it would end this way, I never would've done anything.
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