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|saywhat? (profile) wrote, |
on 11-2-2003 at 9:48pm
|Current mood: tired
Music: the neverending rain outside
Subject: i just thought its been about time
|Since last time....
Hmm ive moved out. I live with some freinds in a townhouse in grand rapids..So far soo good for the most part. It turned out not to be so much of a big step seeing as how we all basically had no parents telling us what to do even when we did live at home so theres not a big difference...that and the majority of us have gone away to college for at least sooome time ...but yeah. other than that..
I work. ALOT. and its depressing when you work everyday and see nothing out of it. i never saw myself as a waitress i cant belive i've stuck with it as long as i have...now it seems weird to thin there is life after mongolian BBQ....i think everyone else that works there has forgotten too...
God, how did my life turn out this way..Im one of those ppl I couldnt stand when I was younger, well not totally i dont go back to HS football games every friday but still....never me i thought when i was still in school...i wouldbe out somewhere doing something on my own.....and doing it all by myself...somewhere in Chicago probably is where i saw myself...
And now where am i...its like im having a midlife crisis and if i die when im 40 then i guess i am....its not like i planned for what happened to happen i just cant belive how its affected the way i live EVERY SINGLE DAY. i just want to be happy again. which is so freaking ironic when i have ppl at work asking "are you EVER in a bad mood" or "do you EVER get mad" o my gosh there's days when i dont even want or i actually dont even get out of bed....but in all honestly thing about it...your at a resturant or your at work..and someone asks you..hi, how are you doing. what do you say? "o good, how are you, "right? RIGHT.....they dont really want to know. do they really want me to say..not too great. ive been depressed for the past 6 months and yesterday i didnt get out of bed because my brother died in februray and i dont know how to live without him....the truth is I dont say Good anymore...no one in my family does and thats about as good to telling ppl my raw emotions as i will ever get....but its rediculious how much it hurts to have ppl asking how i can be so happy all the time because they will never know the pain i feel ever day...
And here i am..just the type of person i couldnt stay before it all...o woe is me..im depressed waaaa waa waa...but i cant help it. im not happy as as much as i fake it im not..if i could take a pill and be happy i would but i cant so right now im just living......not LIVING. like when you think about just being free and spontaneous...like living as in when my body is supposed to bend and breath..and my heart is supposed to beat it does...and thats it..the end. God when is this going to get better