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|thestarsmaketwentyone (profile) wrote, |
on 1-8-2004 at 2:41am
Subject: And O Narcissus, when can you be either?
|I know what Moonface is. I should have known, of course, because the moon is the talisman of the insane, and the moon grins, and the sun weeps. The fucking bells that ring silences. All the round shapes, the balance of dark and light...he's goddamn anti-depressants. He protects you from everything. Anything. Forever. Maybe that's why he's so scary (because I never told you, but he scares me too). I can't dismiss him. I don't know what he's saving me from, and I'm too much of a coward to find out.
Ohoashinbo is me now. Creativity, or a sham of creativity, without progess, without spontenaity or free growth.
Ellis is the coming-to-realise-this. I wonder how longit took of self-manipulating chemical abuse to free him up? You gave me a revelation, you stupid, tired old old man. And you know what it was, but sorry and lurking there stupid, tired old old on the sidelines doesn't fix a single thing.
What do I need? Maybe I need Boyd, or whatever his real name will turn out to be: he hasn't told me yet.
I cheated Moonface today. No anti-depressants for a little while, because one set is working it's way out before I go back onto the one that works. This is why I have a revelation. A little revelation, a pretty shit revelation when it comes down to it, but I TAKE what I can GETseebelow. Was it my environment that crushed me, that made me build a Moonface from the trash, the worthless and banal used up refuse-thoughts, animated by some sick-monkey chemical wizardry? Possiblepossible.
I'm sorry to Jenna, because you introduced this thing to me, and now I'm going to steal another thing away from you. I am a magpie like that, I steal and realise. I steal earrings, from your tragus even, and I realise it was being part of you that made them beautiful. I'm sorry to you also, Kim, because I don't want to do the same to you but I think I will. I'm not -very- sorry, youknow. Because there is still a thrill in theft, the thrill of youallhaditcoming, the thrill of yourfaultforleavingitwhereanyonecouldgettoit. When you come back, Kim, I hope I will have the chimeridae stuff for you. The realname thing. I can't deal with pretend people anymore. I need something to put my whole trust in, now I've remembered that I don't trust myself. Names are powerful. I want to own a little bit of you all, to feather my ugly little nest with.
Dear Ohoashinbo: Are you ready to change yourself for yourself?
I can't even begin to explain how magnificent mantis shrimp are. Luckily, the internet can. Powerful.
Now I will add people ([twopeople?] probable) to my list o' people, another thing I would fain ask some little forgiveness for.