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godessalthena (profile) wrote,
on 1-29-2004 at 6:19pm
Current mood: anxious
Music: Taking Back Sunday - You Know How I Do
Subject: Hur...
Well... I don't know what to say... I got a balloon today... I let it go... I got my pants dirty today... I have nothing deep or meaningful to say... I guess I'm just nervous about what Lauren is going to say about my entry...

Well... Whatever she says I will try not to take it too deeply causing yet another gash in my heart... But I guess you can't really appreciate the good times without having some bad times...

I like this episode of Cowboy Bebop...

Love,
Amelia

P.S. I censored the entry I made the other day so Lauren can read it on her comp... And here it is:

I love this... Am I nothing to you? Am I just a fall back? Everything I say is taken the wrong way... Everything I do is the wrong thing... No one understands me... I say what I mean and I mean what I say, but no one cares... I can't help but think that you don't consider my love worth your life... I feel so insignificant... Like I did in the fourth grade... Yea, I'm back to my "happy place"...

I hate this... I hate how no one thinks, much less cares, about what I say... I should just stop trying to help... Because I'm not capable of helping, just hurting... Kill me...

Yea, no one will ever ask you out ever again... This was your last chance for happiness and not within the many years you should allow yourself in the futrue you will never find someone to love you... Yea, you're really unlikeable and no one will ever love you again... I'm being sarcastic if you can't tell...

Between you and me, I am the less likely to ever find my special someone... I highly doubt someone will allow me to live that long... I'm not beautiful in any aspect, I'm not clever... I don't know what I think about things, I've never had any kind of relationship that could ever be considered anything more that friendship from more than my end...

But that's okay... Even if I become nothing in your eyes, and I become some shunned hermit living somewhere away from people, I'll still love you... I'll love you until my star grows cold, until time ends... Until the stars grow dim... But I don't think you'll even care...

I would cry, but I find myself unable to... I guess I'm so used to this feeling it doesn't effect me anymore... I know I'm not meant to be loved back... Or have my love considered worthy of another day...

I'm perfectly fine with this... Just... I'm not fine with you killing youself, hurting yourself, or even thinking about that... But I can't change you... I can't change a thing in this world of fake faces and false sympathy...

I want to die since my love matters not to the one person I hold in my heart above all others...

But I'll still love her... Now and forever... And I hope she doesn't feel bad about this, or feel guilty, because she shouldn't... I'm used to it, I can smile, I'll make it through... Because that's what I'm made for... Making it through...

I'm so sorry,
Amelia

P.S. I'm sorry I can't be there for you... I'm sorry that this ever happened... I'm sorry for my life....

I hope that's good enough...
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