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|saywhat? (profile) wrote, |
on 2-2-2004 at 11:22pm
|Current mood: cynical
Music: 11 o clock news
Subject: i hope the view from heaven beets the hell out of mine here
|I have nothing better to do. Everyones asleep. which is normal. and im still waiting. Im still waiting. to go to college. to feel normal again. to be happy again. how much longer do i have to wait.
I scare myself when I think about how good I am at making people around me think im happy. or sane...
Today i was driving and i thought...what about if i let go...just let go and close my eyes...if he's "still with me" would he grab the wheel. would he stear me to saftey..i thought that. i sit up in bed..in complete darkness in the middle of the night. and i think: if i just concetrate a little bit harder..if i just sit here and close my eyes and listen with my whole entire heart and body and soul..would i be able to hear him..will i able to say anything to him...no..i couldnt..so i lay back down..and wait for sleep to come which never does...or easily at least. THIS IS NOT ME...but it is. I am seriously losing my mind. Im sick of sleeping on wet pillows..Im sick of being angry at EVERYTHING but i am i am sooooo soo soo mad. and no one even knows. saturday is going to come and go and no one is even going to know...a year ago that day is the a year ago when i lost everything. EVERYTHING. everything alli want to do is write everything until i can just come even close to showing how it feels. to make you understand what i lost. because it was everything. I cant just go back to college. how can i go back when the only college i know was with him. I get sick to my stomach when i think about going. i say i cant because i have to be with people who know me..and know what im going through but they dont. they have no idea. and its only because just by looking you would think im just the same old me. same old freaking prom queen me..never a care in the the world. just as long as everyone around me has a smile on thier face. If i could change places with him i would cause theres no reason for me to be here anymore and i will never amount to anything even close to what he would.
when i cry i hold my breath for as long as i can and everytime i have to inhale it hurts because it means im still here.