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amajules (profile) wrote,
on 3-5-2004 at 2:47pm
Current mood: aggravated
~*hey you. sorry i didn't ever call back. i fell asleep. i was feelin' crappy just my fun time has begun. well the problem w/ me and Randy is......well, i think it's just my problem.

i cried all today in chorus about it...i just don't know what to do.

Randy comes into practice on weds and is like yea so the pep band asked me to go to Virginia tomorrow to play for the boys basketball game. i don't want to but i told them i'd think about it, i have to talk to my mom.......and so forth.

sounds simple right?

today is his birthday. he didn't get home till 4 in the morning, then he tells me he might or might not sleep over in the Wheelwright building w/ some people cuz i don't want to drive home just to sleep for two hours, and drive back to the school. now that makes sense to me.

Julie i don't know why i feel or get all upset about things like this but i always feel like a bitchy lil wife.....just like a straight out asshole.

i'm so friggin worried i don't think he even understands. i'm starting to realize that if i marry this man.....he won't really be around. if he gone this much as a student and he's NOT doing everything....he's gunna be gone sooooo much more as a teacher when he does HAVE to do EVERYTHING.

i just get so scared that he'll cheat on me...that he'll turn into that husbands who cheats on me whenever he's gone b/c he ,"misses me". and o my god julie i want to be w/ him so badly...so badly do i want him to be the one. but here's my problem.

he's telling me to make a choice to stay w/ him and deal w/ it/accept it, or break-up...and if those aren't the choices he's giving me, then he needs to clarify them, but
if i break up w/ him i'll never know if it could of worked. if i don't, and stay w/ him, and we get married and all my worries turn out to be true...then all i did was drag out something that just wound up hurting me more, and prevented him from meeting "the one", and just in general dragged out something that should of never been........but, i want to try, it's just really hard to trust him w/ all those bitches. w/ all the grls there will be in the future. i don't think i will ever fully trust him till we're married....ultimate commitment. as for now, i will stay w/ him. i'm taking him out tommorrow for his b-day so pray that that goes well and we don't fight.

well lemme go please w/b asap. i really need some advice.

i love you and i used your shoulder today....trust me i needed it.
miss you*~
luv ya,
~*Amanda*~
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