|Add Memory | Add To Friends|
|RagDoll (profile) wrote, |
on 1-1-2003 at 7:44am
[ mood | thankful
I'm an hour away from getting on the trains to Midway airport. Not long afterwards, I'll fly away to Minneapolis and spend several days at a mellow convention with professional writers and S. I can't wait to hang out with S. I know that there are a lot of maritial benefits included, but hanging out seems to be ideal.
I've been so blue this year. There have been so many wonderful things, but the getting them seems to have really left me desolate. This year, I began college again, I'm on my second writing class, I've written more Squire's Tale than I ever have, and I'm months into a positive theraputic experience. I've gained new friends, and have been able to explore more intimate closeness with old ones. My brother's marrying the woman of his dreams. My other brother returns from Zanzibar, and I got to spend time alone with my sister. I found a forum of nice, if painfully young, people who have been extremely supportive.
It's amazing how one crappy job can make you forget so much.
But I haven't forgotten. Maybe this vacation will make me remember more.
And dearest diddle; I need your help. I'm hearing Roa's voice...And it's Rebekah's.
mood | gloomy ]
I have to admit to myself that my life will always be this bad.
Last night, a student was verbally abusive to me. He was extremely drunk, and when for the third time he tossed my things to the floor, I grabbed his shirt. Once I realized that I had done this, I knew everything was over. I let go, and took my break, my relief arriving.
I realize now that this person was likely so drunk, nothing will come of it. I wrote a report, omitting the shirt part. My supervisor only saw him being abusive to me. But the thing is, I lost control, and it may cost me my job.
So what, you ask? It's a job you hate. We all know that. We even know it treats you badly. Why not walk away before they can get rid of you?
If I leave, S doesn't get a free education. Also I'll have proven to S that I can't actually hold a job. The education is the only thing I can materially contribute to this relationship, aside from paying bills. It's the proof that I can support her still. As for the second part, I need to prove to S and myself that I have some strength. In the past, I used to fold. Now, that's changed. This job is the worst I have ever had in my life, and I've made it. Doesn't that prove some strength?
Thank god for therapy. It's proven to me that the overwhelming desire to die is a panic reaction, and not a genuine emotion. What wonders will I discover next year?