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Kate (profile) wrote,
on 3-21-2004 at 6:48pm
Music: Yellowcard - Powder
Subject: I'm going to tell you a story
*sigh* I need to talk to you guys.
I don't know what to do, so I guess I'm going to.. ramble.
I want to move from Cedar. If I had the opportunity to go, I would take it right now. Hell.. if I had the opportunity to determine if the ceiling caved in and killed me right now, I would let it happen. I fucked myself over so badly..
Sometimes I wonder if I had the chance to go back and stop myself from ever meeting Jake Mol at that all-nighter, thus introducing me to this whole group, if I would. No, I suppose I wouldn't. I would stop myself from dating in the group though.
I went out with Jake. I don't remember what happened with that, but I don't think we really went anywhere, so ended up breaking up.
I had a crush on James after that, but nothing happened.
Then Justin and I started talking a lot and decided to go out. Justin was a good boyfriend. What I mainly remember about our relationship was how much fun we had. I have good summer memories because of it. We broke up by fault of mine. I'm not going to deny that Joe wasn't part of the reason I broke up with Justin, but I do know I didn't leave him for Joe.
So Joe comes in. Can't say it wasn't my best relationship. I got in deeper than I have before, or will again for who knows how long, and.. I don't even know what to say about it. I was happy, and, frankly.. I was in love. Towards the end, however, Joe played a lot of video games, and I felt neglected. Maybe I overreacted. *shrugs* We broke up, due to.. uncertain feelings. During that end, I talked to Jay about Joe and I, about how I felt and all. I confided in him. But I never cheated. I know there's apparently proof that I did, because there's emails I sent him, but I will show every one of those emails to anyone, and none of them are of me cheating. And if you think I altered them, ask Joe, I'm sure he's got a copy of them.
Anyway.. 3 weeks later, I started going out with Jay. This made Joe angry.. causing him to hate me, and Jay. One month later, or last Thursday, I break up with Jay. Because.. we don't go as well as I thought we would. Not because we didn't try, especially Jay, I just.. couldn't do it. And I can't say some of the reason wasn't because I still thought about Joe. I still miss all of what I had. I still regret giving it up. And now Jay says he's leaving the group so people won't hate me, and as much as he explains to me how that makes sense, I don't get it at all. Seems like they'd hate me more if he left. I don't know..
I got into the relationship with Jay way too early. I wasn't ready, and I should've waited. We might've lasted longer if I had.
That leaves me where I am now. I never lied to or cheated on any one of them, but I suppose if you think I did lie, you wouldn't believe that statement. If I didn't mean any of it, why would I do it in the first place? If I didn't mean any of it, why would I risk so much, and end up where I am now; with the man I used to dearly love loathing me, with people I didn't even know didn't like me, with Jay leaving his friends, with 2 close friends to confide in, but one believing deep down that I'm a terrible girlfriend. With, *sigh* so much lost.
I know I can't do anything to fix a single of my mistakes. I'm so sorry. I am so sorry. If I knew what to do, I would certainly do it. I wish I could make this all better even a little bit, but I just can't. I fucked up so so badly.. I can't make it up to anyone. I'm not asking anyone to care, or expecting them to, I just figure this is my last shot at trying to clear up misconceptions.
I did like Justin.
I did love Joe.
I did like Jay.
I never meant to hurt them, or do anything purely for the benefit of me. I mean, heh, how could it've been to benefit myself when I'm completely fucked right now?
So that's my side of it. I'm lost. I want to fix it, but my efforts seem to make things worse. Since I can't move away and let everyone forget about me, as I'm sure a few of you would like, I need help..
Does anyone have any advice?
Does anyone believe me?

I'm sorry. I wish with everything in me, that I could make things right.
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