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Kandy (profile) wrote,
on 3-18-2004 at 7:51pm
Current mood: contemplative
hmm why does nothing go the way i hoped? I thought this would be easier than is it. I've always loved him. he was the only serious guy I've really cared about. yea i never thought about marriage with chris. the idea never really seemed like it would happen, liek he thought. and with james that just seemed to be the obvious ending. or beginin depends on how you look at it. *shrugs* but he's just lookin at the present. and if i see him..i could end up kicked out so i'm starting to get a lil scared about things cause I'm not sure if he really wants this. Right now I just want to scream. alone things are great, bordering perfect. but around anyone really things are like totally different and i don't know how much more i can take because it's just a bit confusing. it's like he doesn't love me enough or something. GAH! I should just shut up! or scream. i think the latter would be better. lol. *sighs* I just don't know. I graduate this year. things are different for me than him.. i know. but he's gotta take into consideration that i'm leaving school this year. in like a month and a half. and after that it's real life for me. It's not like i can sit around and do nothing. I go off to college in may. i'll hvae to find a better job. especially if i get kicked out for seeing him. then i'll also need a place. i can't exactly afford one right now, not on my own. i want to be at least semi confident of how he feels and if he's really committed. that's what i'm really afraid about. i know he loves me. he's never stoped i don't think. i'm really just awesomely afraid of being left alone with absolutely nothing. i'll put everything i can into this, into him. and i think he'll eventually want to be rid of me again. he's never happy and if he is, he eventually finds something he wants to explore and leaves me behind. at least that's how it seems. i'm done exploring. he's my one. i've known it from the begining. but who knows? life never ends up the way i want...
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