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sexycuban (profile) wrote,
on 3-22-2004 at 11:05pm
Current mood: Emo
Music: *last train home*
Subject: *Me...*
Wow im on this like life changeing quest hehe im so dumb..anywho im trying to find who i am i thought i knew i used to know who i was i was this strong person who ignored other peoples ignorance and stupidity but now im like caught on this emo trip and it has a hold on me and wont let go and im trying to be happy and trying to find myself and im like trying to stop im draging my toes in the dirt but it wont let me go... the most important thing in my life was to be true to myself but ive come to realize that im not..i let other people have this huge impact on me and my decisions.and i dont stand up for myself and today i was looking at some poem book thing and my mom was fliping through it and she stoped and looked at this page and it said " thank you for telling me i could grow up to be sucessful at anything i wanted if only i believed in myself the way you believed in me" and she turned to me and said "tita (my nickname at home for those who dont know)i wish you could believe in yourself and i wish you could look in the miror and like who you are" well at that point i was in tears b/c ive never looked at it that way i mean like i always thought that i believed in myself but now i look...i dont always try hard enough i never give my all im always like w.e dosent matter but it dose matter...anywho im so confused about things and what i want...i have to start being my own person making my own decisions b.c i dont like who i am i wanna look in the mirror and be proud of who i am b.c right now im not i hate who i am and im looking at myseld not happy and what i see is this girl that has all this pain and alone and depressed all the time.. i wanna be happy i want to be in love but i dont need it i dont need love i can love myself thats all i need i guess all i wanted was to feel loved and wanted to feel like theyre was someone out there that wanted me there that i was of some purpose to their happiness i wanted to feel like i had someone to hold me even tho all i wanted was to be alone but they stuck by me anyways i kinda had someone but thats pretty much over and thats okay and im finally okay witht that im i can move on now... im going to stay single till someone comes along and changes my mind on being single who will make me want to have a bf and open up to them and be a good gf to but till them im staying single cuz i cant take the risk of getting hurt again i cant hold on to the pain and whats not there anywho im done with my b/s and emo shit im crazy anywho gotta go bye bye all

-crystal-
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