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epicyclebanana (profile) wrote,
on 4-4-2004 at 4:27pm
Subject: Trapped.
*whispers* Is anybody out there?

I suppose not.

There's been a lot on my mind lately.

1. I think I'm a fraud. I'm not who anyone thinks I am, and I don't even think I know who I am and who I've been. I'm many different people, encompassed in this one stupid entity. It's all a facade, I guess. I have this sort of collection of masks, a different one for a different situation. Someone told my roommates that I can be a shy person and they didn't believe it.

2. I'm jaded. I'm JADED AND I FEEL RIPPED OFF. I'm jaded, I feel ripped off, and I'm a stupid conformist. And it's not so much that I conform out of fear, it's that I don't really know any other option. Ok, I'm scared.

3. Feelings, emotions, concepts. a) I don't think love is real. It's a concept that's nice to think about, but I don't think it's real. I want to though, oh I wish I could. b) Fear is probably the most real of any emotion. Fear motivates. You do things out of fear of another, unsuitable situation occurring. c) Pain. Pain is weakness leaving the body. My pain tolerance (along with my alcohol tolerance) has gone up significantly is recent times. d) Everything's so much easier when you have nowhere to call home.

4. The future isn't so vague anymore. For the first time I have a plan, I have plans that stretch further than next week. I know pretty much where I'm going, how I'm getting there, and who I'm taking along for the ride.

5. Poetry. It angers me right now, because it's doing a horrible job of expressing how I feel. The words I want either don't exists or have escaped from my realm of knowledge.

6. Music is the most powerful art form. I'm slowly shifting from expression in words to expression in song. I don't write love songs because I can't write love poetry. I'm working on an instrumental piece for acoustic guitar and string section, none of it's written down though, it's all in my head.

There's so much more I have to say, I just can't say any of it. I feel incomplete, and if I could just figure out what's wrong SOMETHING'S WRONG CAN'T YOU HELP ME I'll feel whole.

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