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collageof-frozenfear (profile) wrote,
on 4-20-2004 at 10:44pm
Music: Anthem of our dying day--
This is probably the worst break down that I've had since I was 13. I have all these things in my head that are all mixed up and I can't even figure out what they all are. I just know they're there and they won't go away.
I've been having really bad flash backs of Bryan and everything. I've been told that's apart of the PTSD.
Jerry and I got into the first physical fight we've been in for a while. Of course, I pushed him first....
He kept moving closer and closer to me and he was saying I was stupid and I could never amount to what he is. I kept telling him to get away from me and get out of my face and he told me to "shut the hell up" and that I was "gonna listen to every word he had to say".
I don't remember exactly what happened. I just remember hitting him and pushing him a couple times.
To add to the excitement, Jeff came in there a grabbed Jerry and then he told me that we both need to stop our shit. Mom had me ... Jerry left. Blah blah... Brandon was on the phone when it happened.
He probably won't be coming over for a while due to violence prevention.
I went in my room and cried on the phone to Brandon ...
There's still more excitement =P
I started hypervenilating...
I knew I couldn't cut or anything so I took a few of my anti-depressants.
Ended up puking that up ...

After that, I got into the bathtub and layed down.
I thought about what Andrew might say to me if I would have been speaking with him. He usually has something to say that makes me feel incredibly better.
....then, I slid my head under the water and listened to my heartbeat.

Pixie was also on my mind a lot. Maybe because some of the things I did reminded me a lot of her. Took me a little while to remember just EXACTLY how it felt to be in that position.
The pills and everything...

That's about the shortest version of what happened that I could come up with.
I hate thinking back on it all. I don't remember everything but I do know that I was out of control.
And it's all exactly how it ended up when I was 13. Only now, I have to fight harder against the cutting.

Mom kept telling me that I need to take my medicine. She said she can tell when I haven't.

....Little does she know that my anti-depressants happen to be my drug of choice.
And that's exactly how it was when I was 13.
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