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Kandy (profile) wrote,
on 4-28-2004 at 8:00am
Current mood: depressed
Music: !!!!ICP!!!!
Subject: gloomy.... just like Eyore
bah in class doing a project that's pretty much done. and now i have nothing to do. hmm sounds like my summer. all summer i plan on working. by the sounds of it i may be able to hang out some with friends but work is my first priority now. i need the cash. already i have two jobs. horrible isn't it? just turned 18 and i already have 2 jobs. mah its what you get for growing up spoiled and not realizeing how much things really do cost. right now i have just under 200. heh and i was just paid yesterday. its so sad. next fall i'll start college if i have enough or else i'll find a new place to live depending on how everthing works out between my family and a couple people. i figured things would be so great at the end of this year. i mean come on it's the time of your life. the world becomes yours. i dunno. i' just so depressed right now cause nothing is going right damnit. things have changed between my parents and i since i got my tattoo for my 18th birthday. they still haven't really done anything for my birthday. and that makes me really sad. i mean they didn't get me anything at all. my friend stace shocked me, she gave me lots of cash lol. and i was just so stoked and happy. i gave her a kiss on the cheek right there. lol. i just i don't know who i am anymore or what i'm going to do. i know what i eventually want to be doing. but *shrugs* as to if i'll ever get there... that's now another question. after high school i should just leave, start over somewhere else. get a new perspective on things. create a new life for myself and get out of the one i've been living. but i couldn't do that. leave everyone behind and just start anew. i'd go mad first! and as for guys, i know who i wish i could have. but i realize that probably won't happen. last night was the realization of that. it about tore my heart out. and i don't want to start over with guys. i can get to know guys just fine as friends, but when it comes to making that leap... i couldn't. i just couldn't. i wouldn't know if i could trust em or anything. one of the reasons why i find it so hard to let people i've cared about go. because i hate learning how to trust again. i know i trust people more than i should and sometimes that kills me too. just take my heart and lets people stomp on it, crush it to death. well damn you people. why can't you just do that to me, if you do that to my heart too? you think i can live without it? no i can't. somepeople can. but i'm not one of em. my life is full of people and animals that i love, but if one person just takes advantage then i'm screwed. it literally messes with my whole perception of life. i become deeply depressed and although i can hide it at school at least somewhat, you say one thing to me and i fall apart. i dunno. i sound like a person in their mid life crisis tho. lol it's mildly amusing. gah!!! can't i just scream and scare the entire class sitting here in the media center? or just spontainisly combust? or *eyes light up* suffer some mental breakdown that makes me fall off my chair and just sob and yell and not be able to control my actions *other than my bladder and such :P* sorry i'm being very macrabe today. it's just such a damn gloomy day. i mean looking outside theres no sun and it just fits with the mood in me and deepens it. *deep sigh* bah! screw this planet. all we are, are twisted freaks trying to find the honorable way to die. but pfft who needs honor when you feel like you can barely breathe?
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