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BR0KENxSTAR (profile) wrote,
on 5-3-2004 at 7:53pm
Current mood: depressed
Music: none
Subject: >.<
I cant ignore these feelings anymore. I cant push them deep down inside where no one can see them and pretend that i dont feel what i feel. I cant pretend that i dont like him anymore. I'm through pretendin. I'm done. I was talking to Bryan on Friday and he told me that he was talking to Armando and he said that Armando likes me more than the girl he is going out with now [Julie, that extremely ugly, ghettofied freshman >.<] and he is thinking about breaking up wit her and asking me out again. I believe in giving people second chances. I've been hurt and cheated on way too many times to count. I think this is part of the reason i i dont feel the same way that i used to towards Juan. He's pushed me away. One of the biggest factors is trust. I can not trust him. As much as i want to, and as much as i say i do, i cant. I dont. I just cant. It isn't possible for me, as a human-being with feelings, to trust someone that has hurt me so many times. How do i know im not being screwed over as we speak? If i was, i wouldn't know. He hasn't called me in 3 weeks. Things aren't working anymore. He's pushed me so far away, that ive buried every feeling i've ever felt about him. They're gone, they dont exist. The more i tell people that i dont feel anything towards Armando, the more those feelings grow. They're there and they aren't leaving anytime soon. I cant control who i love. I just follow my heart, blindly, and hope that it leads me to the right person. :shrugs: Bryan got my hopes up by telling me that. >.< I still like Armando so much and im tired of hiding these feelings. I refuse to do it anymore. At snack and at lunch i'll catch him looking at me, but he never talks to me. He doesn't even glance at me in second preiod. I feel like i dont exist. And to top it all off Melissa sits there and flirts with him as if i am not sitting one seat away from them. >.< She knows i still like him, she knows. It pisses me off, and makes me extremely depressed because he ignores me and she flirts with him, while also ignoring me. Wow, i feel loved. :sarcasm: @.@ I guess Monique is gonna talk to someone who knows Armando and they're gonna tell him that i still like him. :shrugs: I guess we'll see how it goes from there.

Long time no update. Last Thursday, i think, i had an entry all ready to update and then my computer froze and i was too pissed off to type it all over so bleh, whatever. Nothing too important last week though. Saturday i had 2 games in Tustin. I was HOT! lol we won out first game and lost our second. Then on Sunday we had another game in San Clemente, where is was even hotter. Not kidding, it was 100 degrees there. We lost, so that sucked. Melissa scored off my assist in the last minute of the game though so that was pretty cool. Eh, nothing else exciting this weekend, or today for that matter. It was hot today, it feels like the middle of summer. Bleh....

Well, i have to go my sister is bitching at me to get off >.< Bye.

<\3 Amanda

I woke up this morning
To face another day
The sun wasn't shining in this world that I had made
I looked to the mirror to see what I'd become
And somehow I knew that part of me was gone
I looked and looked and couldn't find
Something to fill this heart of mine
And all that I could do
Is think of you
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