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spinoangel (profile) wrote,
on 6-13-2004 at 10:43am
Music: watching 90210
1. you feel so alone because you have no one to call your own. and you can't even recognize the face you dream about. there doesn't seem to be a reason to wake up in the morning because there's an emptiness in your heart and you can't understand why everyone else in the world can at least find someone to crush on whereas you don't know where the heck your heart is.
2. you don't know why the world is the way it is. deep down you know you love someone, but you watch them continue to live life without thinking of you. and it hurts more than anything to know that they don't care. and still you maintain to beat yourself up about not being good enough for him. not being good enough for yourself.
3. finally in love, and they love you back in exactly the same way. and you feel like there's something burning inside of you because days aren't the same without this person. you miss him when he's not there. and when he is there, you miss him because you know he'll eventually leave.

so i've definitely been in all three scenarios, and i really don't know which one hurts the most. because all three end up in crying yourself to sleep for lack of companionship. i cried because of two movies yesterday. yeah, i'm a freak. first, i watched now and then. that movie generally makes me cry like every other time i see it. when teeny is trying to save sam... yeah that makes me tear up. then i watched some of father of the bride. (no, that didnt make me cry)

eventually went to movie theatre where there was a horrible chain of events. i mean, first it was crowded like whoa. feeling claustrophobic, anyone? then the lines were SO long. the notebook was sold out. there was no more sprite in the machines for my mom. (yeah it amazes me too) and then stepword wives was muy crowded and i spilt the coke on myself (damn purse). that was just like so not cool. but it was an entertaining movie. if we had seen the notebook, i guarantee that i would have cried. i'm just watching the trailer over and over again. (which i do for a lot of movies.)

came home. watched bridget jone's diary. i haven't seen that movie since it came out on dvd. its very... interesting. it makes you feel ok for being lonely but then at the end, you feel lonelier cuz even bridget got her man. and thats when i cried. at the end. when they kissed in the snow. i dont know how i got so emotional. but seeing them kiss and him putting his coat around her. it made me miss altan. a lot. like a lot. a lot. yeah i'm crazy for loving him so crazily. but. its something i can't control. and i cried before i went to sleep. because i was just thinking about memories. like being able to share the warmth inside your body with someone else in an embrace. and being able to feel his hand in yours. and laughing and smiling and being happy. i'm not saying that i'm not happy now, but ya know. something missing.

shrug.
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