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playachika (profile) wrote,
on 7-12-2004 at 9:21pm
Current mood: relaxed
Music: open my eyes
well, i have to type this big old thing over and over again! so here goes.
this weekend was pretty interesting. i had my ups and my downs and i dont kno.. i guess it was ok... i got checked out by some guy my little sister thought was bi because he looked gay and was with 2 guys but was staring at my ass. lol... and i saw some drag queens singing in a bar.. and i dont kno i got this awesome hawaii hat that i can wear to vbs....
but as i was driving i read a book. it really touched me.. its called "Rachel's Tears"
its about one of the girls that was shot and killed in colombine highschool in 1999. she defiantly had a spiritial side. her parents were gracious enough to share excerts and things baout there daughter that makes me wonder what kind of christian am i and what kind of realition ship i have with god..
i believe in god except sometimes i think hes not there and wonder why he does some of the things that he does.. but usually ill find myself praying to god for him to make everything be okay.
in her journal.. she had some quotes that really stuck out to me..
here are some..
- Tomorrow isn't a promise, it's a chance.
- We are living within a society that has lost any sense of consciousness and of right and wrong

ever since ashleys accident, my world and my eyes have been more open to the lord. i feel that doing vbs this summer is going to help me express my spiritaulaity. i love being involved. i love being about to be with jesus... sometimes i just dont think hes listneing to some of the things i want him to hear... but somehow.. i kno hes guiding me through the hard times and the good times that i have.
have you ever wondered if there ever was such thing as a guardian angel? someone that looks just like you and protects you from harm until god wants you up in heaven? ivve thought baout that... my favorite picture in my room.. well that was in my room is of a little girl... shes holding puppys and her guardian angel is there watching over her.. shes the same again.. expect she has wings and looks alittle differnet.
i kinda of wish that this summer... everything will just flow. i will stop feeling some of the feelings that i feel. i will stop doubting myself and others and i will feel much better about myself. i usually do after gatherings.. i usually let out many tears, and then in the end.. everything ends up ok.
i kno my life has alot of things left in it.. but osmetimes i wonder how llong i will have to live.. i almost lost my ashley in just a few seconds of a car rolling upside down.. i feel myself getting ready to cry as i think about that.. i need to go see her... but i also need to go to church. i want god to forgive me for the sins thati have committted. i want to start a new week, make some new choices, and then pray for gods forgivness in an endless cycle...
i wonder, whtas my purpose in life?? is it to help children and teens in need? is it to solve murder mysteries? is it to operate on someone in attempt to save their life? my real... i dont kno goal.. is to help those who are hurting inside.. i want to reach out to them just as Rachel did. she touched the lives of many and i just wish i could do that. i wish i could be someone of that sort who people wouldnt stop remembering..
i want god in my life .. i want him more in it than i alreayd have him... i guess i need to do some more praying.. and i also think i need to look out for others as they look out for me..
sometimes i just wonder...

who really cares

I believe in god the father almighty
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