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|lifesuxsodanz (profile) wrote, |
on 7-26-2004 at 12:09am
|Subject: god free will sucks...
|Sometimes I wish I was compleately driven by animal instinct (tho I am my fair share lol) but seriously I am the most aweful person at making decisions. It all comes back to my rear of regret thing....no matter what I decide is wrong and it gets to the point where I don't want to move...I'm afraid to breathe for fear of some miniscule movement reaking havoc on my life. It's like the chaos theory a butterfly flaps it's wings and a hurricane blows a hemisphere away, small things have great effects and each of us is a microcosmic universe, and sometimes it seems that the simplest of sentences, a few mere breaths of dialogue can send entire planets spinning out of alignment.
But really the analogy makes perfect sense...every move we make somehow brings us closer to our own entropy you cannot escape it for every imaginable thing is a decision even if it really is as simple as the decision to stand still. And the worst part about it is...we know we know what is to become of us we know that we have options to weigh and risks to assess and it kills me (well metaphorically) making decisions terrifys me making a move of any sort and sometimes I think this decision to spend my life indecisive is the most wasteful contribution to my own entropy to my own death. I am wasting my life away and driving myself insane compleately utterly insane if you have read this far you should understand that by now. If you knew what this entry was really about you would tell me I was stalling and being indecisive and most of all you would tell me that you didnt see what one thing had to do with another and that god knows how my mind makes such connections and I dont even really know myself. Im just blindly typing in order to keep myself moving I have more thigs to say and more important things to be concerened with but for some reason this is all that is comming out maybe this is the easiest of my problems and I am making it seem bigger to take my mind off of theserious. Ok I am going to go and I am going to...idk of course i dont but I am going to stop this that I know.