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kittyneko (profile) wrote,
on 7-31-2004 at 1:02am
Current mood: nostalgic
Music: Tim McGraw: Live Like You Were Dying
Subject: 15 days 11 hours 36 minutes 12 seconds...
...that is when my world comes to an end. Scary isnt is? 15 fucking days till I am torn from everything I have known. Needless to say I am scared shitless. I have lived for 18 years and change, 12 or so of those years have been in this same house. I cant believe I am never going to be living here again. I mean, after this I am an adult.

Its funny. I spent 18 years of my life wishing I was older. I couldnt wait to be an adult. Now that it is coming, its coming too fast. I dont want to grow up anymore. I dont know if I can handle it. I really dont know. It all sounds nice, but the unknown is terrifying for me. I find myself clinging to the vestiges of my past.

I sleep every night now with an old friend...not that you old teddy bear that was once forgotten in my attic. I found him when we were cleaning out my stuff and we revived him. I have long forgotten the name I gave him in my youth, so I have dubbed him Reginald Burberry. Get it? BurBEARy. Hahaha...nope not really funny. He just seemed british to me. Looks like a war veteran too, missing a nose and his bow tie, all scrapy looking. Poor dear. Hmmm I think I got off track here...

Where was I? Oh yea, mental break down. Geez man, its a scary thing. I dont know if I can do it. I cant wait for the day to come, but I know when it does I am going to be crying like a little girl. Im not ready yet. Holy crap I am being thrown into the real world. Im not as secure as my parents seem to think I am. They think everythings fine, but really I am starting to crack. These days are just flying by. I can do nothing but cry myself to sleep and cluth onto Reginald Burberry, hoping that his war experience can keep the world from touching me.

God, listen to me. I am talking like a crazy person. What am I going to do without the people that keep me sane? I am sure Richelle has forgotten about me and Hillary is going to be with her new sorority sisters. I'm scared that I am going to be left behind. I have this horrible way with people. I cant loose the people I already have. If every thing is taken from me I dont know if I could survive. How I wish this summer could keep on keeping. I dont want things to change. I HATE change. I hate myself for hating these things.

What is wrong with me? I should be jumping for joy that I am finally leaving this house. That I am going to be on my own, new adventures, new people. Every sane person I know cant wait for college. I dont even know why I started this long rant. I was cleaning in my closet, getting rid of yet MORE things. I looked around and suddenly felt small. I realized that I am just a scared little girl, being thrown into the world. I dont think I am ready...I really dont think I can do this....
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