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eragedbluerat (profile) wrote,
on 10-1-2004 at 9:00pm
Current mood: apparently i need a shotgun to blow my head off
Music: let me turn on the radio - Nirvana
Subject: Me and a barrel of monkeys
Well i just can't seem to get over all the death in my life. Thats probably becuase though no one has died since Bob, i've had threats of it all around me. With my gmom being in ICU and now my dad. My dad is a diabetic. has been for about 2 years i think. Well his heart is starting to go down the shitter. He went in for an EKG and he's woried that all the questions the doc was asking implies shes worried. So im freaking. If i lose him i know for a fact that ill kill myself. Flat and outright. I might just take becs up on her offer. Apparently she would like nothing more than to take a shotgun and blow my head off. Well next time i get the chance, ill make sure to tell her im all for it. I wont lie just to completely sound like a depressed pansy. There have been a few good things i guess. I got a job. but i really dont appreciate coming home at midnight and having to practically inject myself with caffiene to be able to stay up long enough to do my hw. And i was suppose to get my paycheck yesterday. so since im not working i go in to pick it up. Well its not there and everyone that could get it for me in the office is gone. fine. but apparently tongith i came in late again. even though i called ahead of time it doesnt matter. They still left it in the office. So basically every good thing in my life right now, which is basically this job, is fucked up. I hate to sound pessimistic but when you think about it, its true. O i forgot, i do get minor pleasure from yelling at the TV whenever i hear someone talking about the election. It doesnt matter anymore. My friends couldnt care less about me. drea hates me becuase i talked to kim about drea thinking kim is a slut. Basically i did. But its kinda hard to draw a line and im not using that as an excuse.............yes i am. They are both "my friends" so i dont know who to lie to to protect the other. It's just another thing i cant handle. But im sry drea, yo8ur a gossippy little bitch that needs to keep her opinions to herself. ill admit i do talk about people sometimes but she justs winds up her mouth and lets it fly. And thats all she goes off of. What she hears. Doesnt bother to take time to figure out if its true. No of course not. Why would someone actually explain whats going on. We live in a world where all you can hope to expect is lies. NOOO you dont even get that kindness. Becuase of everyone lied you'd be able to predict them someof the time. No they change their minds and positions. Anything to move blame on to someone else and im sick of it. I cant take this world anymore. Everyone makes me sick. Whats the point? Really? When i have to go to school and question whether or not that little prissy bitch in the corner was giving me a mean look simply becuase she thought i gave her one or shes just really a bitch. Or wether or not i have to actually ask myself if my teachers arent secretly trying to find a way to fuck me over. Becuase i dont trust anyone. Not even myself. I can;t cpntrol myself so how in hell can i expect someone else to be able to control themselves? I can;t so basically ive rambled on and melded every little thing that pisses me off. Well most things. O and ive been getting sharp chest pains since Bob died. Yeah im going to be the first 16 year old to de of a heart attack. if im lucky
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