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mizu87 (profile) wrote,
on 11-7-2004 at 1:47am
Current mood: cold/tired/achy/in thought
Music: Never meant to be so cold, what i really meant to say, is i'm sorry for the way that i am, never mea
Well, I'm really writing this reguarding Saturday night although the time is sunday morning...
... I woke up with a sore throat.. wanting to call Javier to apologize for being rude.. well.. never did because he had left.. and went walking and I saw him down the road but I didn't call for him..
Another guy, Jakeeta's husand's bestfriend's dad, died lastnight. So no one but me and teresa was at work.. it was dead... and no one came in from like 6-8 and I wasn't feeling good, so jakeeta knew, I didn't do anything but I was fine later in the day, my throat didn't hurt too bad, ok not really at all. ha ha i faked a lot. .. not too much though. .. but.. I called javier again and he wasn't home.. so .... around... 6... something... he called and.. I said I'm sorry and he asked why and i said becasue he was mad at me because when we was walking theother night i asked him why he went the other way and he said he got the vibe from me that i didn't want him around... I said i pissed him off and he said yeah that i did.. then he said he was just playing...
Well all the guys give themselves tatooes with needles and indian ink...I had drawn javier's name many times very cool.. and.. well.. on his right hand in that area by your thumb.. is his intials how I drew them >_ But at work.. after javier called.. like.. 5 minutes.. it rang again, i thought it would be javier again... it was brook, "I'm sorry" first words out of his mouth.. and all day all day long i was bitching and bitching about brook not showing up how i was gonna call gasmart and cus him out saying untill he got his shit straight and his head cleared that i didn't want anything to do with him, not be involved anyhow.. and once i heard his voice... it all went away.
"why are you sorry?" "because i didn't show up, I'm sorry"... I didn't know what to say, "what happened?" "alot of shit happened before I was about to leave so I couldn't.." he said that.. and he was really sorry... I didn't say anything... .. he says.. that.. he's in.. a city close to tulsa... .. that he's stayign there... for awhile... remember how ... he was gonna go away for .. 2 or so years for school adn this and that and save money?... well... he says.. he's doing that... something about it taking 1 or 2 years... he is staying with his mothers.. cusion.. he says everyone is nice there and looks out for each other.. that he doesn't know anyone and has more family he hasn't even met yet there... he says he loves it because everyone points and says 'there's mona's son'... his mother is burried there... he says he feels closer to her.. he also says he doesn't evne want to drink or smoke anymore, since monday when he left he hasn't and he is gonna really try not to... so he says... also something about getting scholar ships and... starting school in January and.. working at this machinery place till there... putting together stoves and coffee pots and shit... he is.. also getting his name changed to his mothers madien name.. that and... he said he's looking forward to meeting his father... ....
He says he's waiting for his blackeye to heal before he goes looking for a job.. ... he said he's ... setting himself up.. he said he went outthere because he has a chance of getting a car and a house.. he said that.. creg was thinking of moving in with him in a while... if he can get a house... he said that this will all give me time to finish up my school and family stuff here and move out there... bullshit.. i said that's unlikely.. he said if i wanted to...
I told him... well i asked him if he remembed the time i told him to get his shit striaght.. he said 'yeah, why do you think i came out here'?' ... so.. i told him he really needs to try on it and he insists that he is.. that... he is only comming back to bulldog town and my town only to get what he needs and visit the people he cares about like his sister, creg, and you, which was me... me... he said he liked me more then creg... he said that creg partied too much and that he wasn't into that anymore... I asked him about that girl .. he said what girl.. that girl that he todl me about in the email about comming back and wanting to talk to him.. he said 'oh that was just a one night deal.. she came up to visit family and left back to california, pause, or wherever she came from, and to visit me'... yeah.. ..
I just.. I didn't.. I could'nt be mean to him, i coudln't say shit to him.. I couldn't say fuck off till you get rid of your white jacket... I coudln't find the heart...
... he said well he had to go because he was about to meet some new family..but he didn't get off the phone.. we talked more.. he called this place a blackhole, not to worrie about it because he would come back.. I said why... and.. he said.. 'because he can't stay away from me, that frankly he loves me too damn much'.. his exact words...I'm the only one that will accept his ass when he crawls back.. ..
He even made me laugh sometimes.. and i hated it that I laughed.. once I did.. it reminded me of old times.. and i let my guard down.. and just.. tried tired to be light hearted and remember the times he always made me laugh on the phone, all the many times i talk to him.... but once I did... i hated myself for it.
He had told me to take care of myself.. stay out of trouble.. ... but .. he said it.. many times.. take care of yourself... I also had asked him about that brown old car following me around.. he said he doesn't have eyes anymore, no more connections... .. and hta the doesn't know anyone with such a car... he said he'd keep in touch... and he'd.. talk to me later.. then he said 'no i'll see ya later' .... and i said yeah... talk to you late.r. and we said taht about three times each and... he said ok.. bye.. and i said.. bye.. and... i was waiting on him to hang up and he was waiting on me to hang up and i heard a small sigh and a click.... he had hung up.. i had had tears in my eyes and was praying no customers came in... none did. ... he said it was a large town, ddr town, bulldog town, and my town all together and then some... he said he lived behind a wal mart... .. i .. i dont' know why i still love him... but i do.... and i beat myself up for it..

... not a minute later the phone rang and it was jakeeta bitchign me out for being on the phone so long, saying he tired to call for a solid 30 minutes... oops..

Charles came with a joint, they smoked it in the back and... fucking she was throwing knives at the wall, he was cooking, and she was chasing me with ketcup bottles and throwing onions and raw eggs at me, i was running accross the street and everything, then she calmed down. lol terresa is crazy.. she was also crying today, saying how depressed she was.. how she is too young to be alone forever..
... it just.. all this.. what i'm donig to javier isn't fair and tonight.. he walked by two times with some other guys and he just stopped and said 'what' to me.. an dkept walking and.. then came over with one guy, same one from last night. My bad his name isn't Aaron it's like.. Josh or something... no no Jacob! yep jacob.. but they were both acting high and i was about to kick them both off my yard and then i found out they were just being stupid.. he' stoo young. ... so they left because they went to ton's and he asked if i wante dhim to come back.. i said that i didn't care that i wsn't gonna stay up much longer so whatever, and he asked it again, and i said i wasn't gonig to wait long... ... 10 minutes later he was there.. i was surprised so soon and he dind't leave untill about an hour ago.. naw like 30 minutes... ... it was like.. 10 when he came over... and... around 1 or whatever.. he was laying on his stomach on the turck and i was on his back keeping him warm and i asekd him when was the last time he had a girlfriend.. and he said last year.. and he said it could be from bulldog town ddr town far way towns... and i asked what he did with them.. then i said 'talk on the phone' he sai dyeah... and i said what else he said it was none of my buisness then laughed it off... .. but.. i said.. 'how long did you know themn before you went out with them' and he didn't say anythign so i suggested, a few days a couple of weeks and he said yeah, i said i wasn' tlike that... and went on.. to make it short since this typing is bugging my mother, i said that i wasn't looking for a realtionship like that in him, that i just wanted to be friends and that.. i ddin' want it to get so far on that i'd hurt him.. if i hadn't already ... that and... how i didn' t nessasarly want all of this comming over to stop... tha tthat i wasn't wanting a relationship but that didn't mean we could be real good friends... .. i said i was sorry...
... he didn't say ANYTHING... I hurt him... i mean that damn tattoe..he wants me to design him one.. he said his next tattoe can be by me.. he's gonna teach me how.. i don't know if i can do it.. poke someone with a needle.. eeee... i can't i think.
.. but.. it was late and he had to be home an hour ago.. so.. i pulled him off the car and.. said sorry and i said what he had to say about it and he said 'it's okay, i felt the same way sort of' ... i said 'damn, that's fair enough' I think he just said that just to get back at me.. but.. i ... i hurt him.. and i .. feel aweful.. i walked him a block and sent him on his way.. no hug.. never looked back.. didn't say a thing but bye...
.. i feel like a bitch
not to mention about charles tonight.. fucking.. ass.. i pissed him off bigtime and.. he desevered it..

.. amy is picking me and lenka up early in the morning.. around10 to go ddr.. anton is supposed to go into town too... with joey.. javier might go.. i have no clue.. but me and anton made a bet.. if he beats me at ddr i owe him a game.. if i win he owes me 3 rides... ..
tonight teresa was gonna buy me some drinks i fi came an dpicked them up.. i wanted to real bad but anton wa at work.. sonic...
... my legs are killing me i'm cold and tired and.. i just.. ... brook.. and poor javier...
... but brook.. this is waht he had been waiting for but damn.. saying me comming mvoing up with him and all this giving me time to sort shit out here and finish up.. and.. i was about to say why was it me always going to him... cha..

.. oh well i need to go
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