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emo414 (profile) wrote,
on 11-17-2004 at 9:39pm
Current mood: sick
Music: the used - cut up angels
Subject: wondering about everything
life. such an incredibly confusing thing that we go through every day. sickness shurly does not help the incresingly painful stab in the heart that others actions relese upon you. the constant worry about if the people you have invested so much time and love into have even thought about you during the day or care enough to give you a call at the end of the night just to say they hope you get better. i lay on the couch all day today thinking of these things, thinking of whom truly cares about me and my well being and i finally came to a conclusion that i dont have the energy or strength to continue to put in the effort i do with the relationships that have. i thought of how if all the others in my life wanted the relationships to last they would make the effort for a little while, and let me let go of my bearings. i hate trying to keep my life orderly and grounded and doing the same damn thing everyday of my life, or the life i have right now. i decided i dont want my beairngs, i want to live spontainiously and have fun with my youth, not putting so much thought into what everyone else thinks or how my actions make them feel, because i only want to be myself, not someone whom tries to please everyone in life. sure it might not be the right choice in many of my friends point of views to just give up on putting effort into things and who the hell knows i might feel differently about it tomorrow, but right now i just feel like letting go of control over what hapens. i want to let my life fall out like it was meant to. so as i sit here, feeling the sickness course through my body, my head throbbing with fever, i still think about the people that make my head hurt even more, and about the people i long to understand their mentalities, and the people i long to have back in my life like they once were. so here are some lyrics that i love very much and that i think express how i feel right now.

"Just think of this and me as just a few of the many things to lie around, to clutter up your shelves. And i wish you weren't worth the wait cause there's some things i'd like to say to you. And i don't think that you know what you've been missing. Cause i don't think that you know what you've been missing. And i dare you to forget the marks you left across my neck from those nights when we were both found at our best. Now i could make this obvious, and you You could deny me all in one breathYou could shrug me off your shoulders."
Your Own Disaster, TBS
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