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glitterkisses (profile) wrote,
on 11-23-2004 at 2:02pm
I feel like I'm being forced to keep moving, keep pushing along, but I just can't because I can't stop and deal with all the emotions running throught my head, let along my heart. I just can't shake it.

I forget so often that pretending to be happy doesn't make you any happier. I forgot that pretending I'm satisfied with everything won't give me any satisfaction at all. I forgot that prettending to have an ounce of hope, ins't going to give me any. Most of all I just FORGOT that pretending is only pretending, it doesn't lessen the amount of pain, or make it any less important, or suttle the emotion or tears. The tears that stream down my cheeks are the same with or without any pretending involved. If there IS any difference it's only that the tears fall heaveir when pretending.

If there's anything I can do to help myself get my head back in the game, it's be honest with myself I know what I want and I know what I need so escaping it only makes me a fool for dwelling and complaing about it.

My second worst fear is to wake up one day from my lip gloss, loud music, and shop till I drop reality and realize that's exactlly! what my reality is. That it's everything BUT living. Life is taking chances and it IS taking risks. Stepping on the edge and jumping head first into life and stop avoiding it. Stop coming up with any and every excuse to not live on the wild side for once. To go after what I want to be chasing after.

I wish I had the balls to actually do it, or someone to help me. because I'll just wake up tomorrow and I'll be the exact same way I am every other day.

My only concern is proving it to my self, proving me wrong if no one else can.

Jess
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