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drowning-in-you (profile) wrote,
on 11-25-2004 at 2:24am
Current mood: crazy
Music: Going Under - Evanescence
Subject: either i'm gonna need professional help...or i'm gonna start my period...hmm...

tonight, i yelled at myself...

all day i had stayed at home...granted devon visited...& i'm not complaining bout that...we watched a movie...went to taco shop (something i haven't done in a VERY long time)...i was fine...but i had to get out...

i went to el centro, hoping gina would be there...nope...she's gone for thanksgiving probably...so i went to target...not to shop, but to smoke...then i went to main street...to check if there were any shows coming up, any postings @ flames...& i smoked there...

something tells me the nicotine i had caused me to freak out...for some reason ever since then...maybe a bit before that too...i was starting to talk to myself...by the end of the night after i left joe's house, i was screaming...screaming at myself...

i dunno wtf is wrong w/ me...i wasn't mad at the whole day...i was fine...maybe a bit annoyed...but not mad...not with any one person...not at all...so why was i yelling at myself?...i don't even understand this...i was yelling & screaming...& then the tears came...not alot like usual...but they were tears nonetheless...WHY?...DAMNIT WHY?...

so what did i yell at myself about?...wouldn't you like to know...heh heh...i'm too tired to remember right now, though it was only 15 or 20 mins ago that this happened...i questioned things...i wondered bout my future in school...compared many things to what it would be like w/ someone else still around...j...o...oh damn i'm tired...i cried because i wondered if i was going crazy...i mean...is anyone gonna really truely love a crazy person like me?...is anyone gonna really want to be there with me & take care of me & love me...forever?...forever...

that word came up during my frenzie...only in my mind though...it got quiet then...i just drove...that was all i could do...i so wanted to fall asleep at the wheel...i wanted to run the red light @ 111...but for some reason a fking dead dog on the side of the road scared me so much that i started actually thinking & slowing down...

i'm losing it...i dunno what's wrong...or what even triggered it...*sigh*...

...happy gobble-gobble day everyone...i'm not thankful for anything...talk later...







***she wants to go home, but nobody's home, it's where she lies broken inside, with no place to go, no place to go, to dry her eyes, broken inside***

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