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|AnnaLeBelle (profile) wrote, |
on 11-25-2004 at 2:31pm
|Current mood: artistic
|I've been trying to put myself down so people don't see the inside of me. I try to seem depressed, morbid. Why do I do the things that I do? I say my facade is happy, but it is also that of sorrow.
Do I want people to feel sorry for me? This journey is mine and mine alone. Mine to discover why, who, what. But for some reason it seems I'm still at the starting line, my feet rooted to the ground.
It's uncanny, I thoguht I knew myself. But to my surprise, I found out that I didn't. I like people to think I'm victimized, I want the attention. I want people to notice me, not just pass me on the street and look away.
I want people to stop and I want to engage in friendly conversation. Maybe not friendly, but inane banter is better than being ignored, though I know I'm being a hypocrite by saying such things.
I want more than anything for you to hold me and whisper how important I am. How, without me, your life would come crashing down. Give me that power and maybe I'll tell you 'I love you'.
I need to be consoled all the time. I need you to tell me I'm worth it. I thought he hadn't scarred me this horribly, but maybe he did. Are all those years of neglect and abuse the reason for my constant need of victimization and attention? Is it why I dress so outrageous? To stand out so people will ask, why?
What if I would have grown up with my darling mother? Would things have been different?
I can't be deprogrammed, but I wish I could be. I hate what I've become. I hate it and... it's just like HIM. I don't want to be like that fat, egotistical asshole.
I seek out a technical genius. Where is my little thief? Jocelyn, where have you gone?