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squishylover (profile) wrote,
on 12-7-2004 at 12:11am
Music: Resolved
Subject: Always look on the bright side of life.
I need to clarify something in here. I don't hate Ryan, I know I said I did. But I said those things out of anger, I don't hate him. Like I always said to him, I never could hate him. Something just won't let me. I'm sorry for everything I've caused. I hope the best for him, and his future. I know this is a strange turn around for me...but it's true. I'm just a romantic fool. I always wanted everything so perfect, nothing is though. The way magazines tell you how to fix things, don't read them. Do it your own way, I've learned that. Find a way that works for you, no matter how long it takes. I made promises I wish I could keep. I wish I could hang out with him, still be his best friend. That is one thing I do miss, alot. His friendship, the friendship that we had together. I can't do it though, I guess I'm not strong enough or something. I won't say what caused me to say all this, cause I know in my heart and thats all that matters. I can learn and grow from this experience. Betty is a lucky girl to have Ryan. He's a good guy. I would tell her that to her face, but I would probably not have the guts to say it. Maybe one day I will. I never regret one thing I did with Ryan, not one damned thing. Even if it wasn't right, I don't care. It's amazing what you can learn from a first love. I need to get off these crutches that I keep holding on to. I need to focus on what needs to be focused on. I have to start a new chapter in my life. I have to sit back and examine the world around me, not take things for granted. I need to live life to the fullest. I'll never be the same as long as I live. I know that now. Nothing will ever be the same. I've changed, and that I know for sure. For the better, or worse...I don't know. I don't think I'll ever know. No matter how old I get or what happens to me in my life, I'll always remember Ryan. Ryan Allen Montiel. He may not know it, but he'll make difference in life. He does posess that quality. He just needs to believe in himself. I think I'll be ok, from now on. I don't know how I will feel anymore, probably a little cloudy on the inside but I can start working on myself again, and thats what I need. I need to focus on myself. I don't need someone there to help me feel like I'm on top of the world. I don't need someone to make me feel pretty. I don't need someone to help me realize that I am important. Cause I am all of these things at least to myself. I've grown up, as scary as it is. I'm not done growing, but this has helped. I don't know if this will help anyone if they are in the same situation, but it is weird when you realize this. It's almost like, it's ok everything that has happened, even if you didn't want it, or expect it. It's just ok, and it will be ok. People are right when they say that. Thank you Ryan, for everything. From here on out everyone, life as I know it will change.

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