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sandatthebeach (profile) wrote,
on 12-27-2004 at 1:28am
I hate not being able to do anything...other than sit here and wait. I'm being pretty vague. Basically in this journal, I write whenever I wanna post something that I don't want to in my Xanga mainly because that's more public than this one. I figured people (referring to the general public) has given up on reading this one because I hardly update it as opposed to my Xanga which is updated almost daily (for the most part).

It kind of sucks when you want to do something but you can't. Because it's not right. As much as it sucks for me, there's one thing for sure....I will always respect the existence of someone's boy/girlfriend. Basically, I will never try to rip apart one's relationship because of my own selfish desires. I'm really quite hopeless...and I feel too stupid to tell anyone what it is that I'm thinking.

As time passes, I find myself keeping my mouth shut about how I feel about my personal issues. I mean, I love it when people talk to me about what's going on in their heads...I'm more grateful that they trust me. It's just, I feel like such a dumbass because I don't know what to say back without trying to relate to myself. And that's why I'm such a bad conversationalist. I don't know what to say. In response, I usually start with "well, with me..." 'shut the hell up, Sandy. The situation's not about you so stop trying to make the conversation revolve around you', I tell myself.

But at the same time, I wanna tell someone how I feel or what I'm thinking because I've reviewed it so many times in my head and it just sounds stupid and immature......and desperate. I have these questions that I want to ask but I don't because I don't want to sound conceited or selfish.

I don't want to go back to school. I feel like such a failure right now and I'm so worried I'm not going to get into college and stuff (which, by the way, is the only thing I ever talk about now to people).

I need to shut up and get some sleep. My throat is gradually becoming worse and me staying up isn't doing it much good.

I'll take the day off tomorrow....I was gonna do some homework, clean my room, study for finals......I'm gonna just sleep and bake cookies with the cookie dough that Pa-Trice got me :-) Holy mother and a crapcake....she and her mommy gave me a huge ass tub of cookie dough. When Pa-Trice told me that she going to give me cookie dough, I thought it was going to be in one of the Ziploc baggies....enough to make like 5 cookies. Nope....I can make like a billion now. So cookie baking party at my house....Anyone...Anyone???

Always, Sandy
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