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silversoldier (profile) wrote,
on 1-11-2005 at 1:53pm
Current mood: indifferent
Music: "Bury Me with It" - Modest Mouse
Subject: yes, I really do exist
Seeing that I haven't updated in... well, I don't know because the school computers won't let me check my journal, I figured it would be good to say something... anything.

The Fantasticks went well (though the audience was extremely small). Winter break also went well. I got to see my sister (even went sledding), and I had an escape from reality for a few fleeting moments.

But now, the return to school has come, and I am again entering the bleak truth of the farce we all live. I'm craving a revelation, something to make me believe there's a salvation. Sometimes it is a wonder that we do continue this life. I still don't have the gut to take it. That would be stupid and pointless. As long as I live, I'm doing something, influencing someone (though that's not necessarily a positive thought)... In short, to exist is to have power.

I keep telling myself that I've become invisible. But somehow, I only believe it behind closed doors. There is no truth in it when the world begins to consume me. I fear my soul is fleeting, keeping away from my potential.

And still, this thing called love tortures me. It isn't enough to live without, and my life is well empty without it. And so things continue to pass me in this world.

I stay perched on the pedestal created for me. I fear the lashing tounges that will strike the minute I falter. I am the monkey in this circus now.

For Madwoman of Challot, I got the part of Pierre. He tries to commit suicide because he was sent to blow up an architect's office. The play is strange to begin with, and the character certainly parallels that.

I tried out for Taming of the Shrew yesterday, and I have a feeling that I may well get cast (not that the 30 males necessary was any indication). Honestly, we don't have many people who can speak Elizabethan with relative ease. Such is the life.

I think I'm going to retch.
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