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|suspensionrings (profile) wrote, |
on 1-21-2005 at 11:20pm
& i find myself wondering what i would do if i ever became pregnant. knee-jerk reaction: kill it. don't spare the sympathy, just off the fucking thing.
barring some random rape, though, it'd be half jim's. i could never kill a child of his. it's so surreal, realizing that even though i technically donated hal fthe dna i would still consider it entirely his, myself nothing but an incubator.
[i was serious when i said i'd carry their child. her egg, his sperm, my womb. & i could get my tubes tied and--
give up? forever?
i'm slightly drunk and very depressed, these tend to go hand in hand. the room does not yet spin.
he said, i could have the baby and just give it to him. he'd take it back to california and be a sinlge father and.
i couldn't. fucking. stand that.
it's mine. MINE. my responsibility. my child. my.
like shillowe said, "i'd get too attached, i know i would."
but i couldn't raise it.
but i couldn't leave it.
but i but i but i. arg.
i know if i ever have kid/s i will give it/them so many fucking mental problems . . . genetically if not socially. [my grandfather was depressed. suicide. never met him.] i'd be a shit mother and that scares me. scares me because i would still try. and i would be watching this person that i love beyond all words grow into possibly a version of myself. i don't wish that on anyone.
if any child of mine turns out like me, it'll break my fucking heart.
i guess that's my point. if i even have one.
[it's all hypothetical anyway. i won't even see him for another three months, at best. so whatever, eh.]