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kiwi (profile) wrote,
on 1-25-2005 at 8:21pm
Current mood: nostalgic
Music: Green Day
Subject: Randomness
I know I'm not allll that nice and that I'm not really gulliable or taken advantage of, but sometimes I feel some people know just what to say to make me do exactly what they want. Just a few nice words, or making me smile everyonce in a while and I want to do stuff for them. Then the plant an idea in my mind and I think, sure, why don't I do this for them. Do I really feel that I don't have enough friends that I need to do these things to make these people like me more? Don't I have great friends who don't require me to do things for them... aren't those the friends I should be worrying about. Some of these people aren't even people I want as friends, they just know how to manipulate me just right. How is that they can, while I have friends who ahev known me for years and can't get me to do anything I don't want to. And other friends I've known for longer and can only manipulate me into doing things I probably would ahve done anyway, jsut a bit more grudgingly if they hadn't pushed...
I'm not even that nice! There are friends I ahve who I frequently snap at... I have a very caustic presonality and these people... I just want to fall over myself doing stuff for them. I almost want to stop everything and do this one thing they want... sure it jsut helps me procrastinate... but still. I could be doing something for me! Or someone I really like as a friend (Liz comes to mind... I don't do enough for her, or Anastasia...)
I don't like being manipulated... and I'm jsut letting these people do that to me. Just letting them push those special buttons , ones I didn't even know existed until recently. Damn vanity. If I wasn't so self-concious about my drawing and writing and crafting I probably would jsut take their compliments as they are and ignore their little hints that they would like something.
I'm also too fickle, which I decided two years ago. I can change from one minute literally hating someone to wanting to do something fun with them... My feelings are easily manipulated apperently... STUPID KATIE....

Argh... but I love these stupid people, they make me happy, they make me smile... and so far none of them have made me sad, or angry. Maybe that's why I want ot do stuff for them. Because as aquintances I haven't had to share the downs, only the ups, so they help me, yet I don't help them... grrr still bad am I.
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