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|suspensionrings (profile) wrote, |
on 1-29-2005 at 5:30pm
|Originality is for naught, but only in one such as I. Where did the Underground go? What the fuck happened to neverland, to effigy, to Jeezum, why am I so obsessed with killing them all off?
Oh. Right. Jim.
I killed Sab for his sake. Once. In hindsight, at this particular moment, it seems a grevious error. A hideously inhuman act of cold-blooded murder. Butbackmeuponthis: She wanted to die and I know it, I wanted her gone and I know it, I was trying to be this person Shi had brought from within me but--
I killed that too.
Perhaps that is what bothers me most, really, is the girl that Jim met and fell for in Mississippi is not who I am today. I am who I was before I ever met her and now . . . I'm not sure if I'm even capable of coexisting with anyone. This endless circle/spiral . . .
I destroyed the Underground, or they destroyed themselves. Perhaps from too much publicity, perhaps from too little, perhaps it was simply never strong enough to hold its own. Perhaps I needed to be a little more like her [youknow] and keep it all in until it burst forth to devour me.
Maybe I just need to draw more.
I want to speak to them, feel them, become enfolded in them like I used to, but they all smack of death and failure now. Everyone that ever was is dead, even the self-proclaimed "survivor." Jim may have knocked things around a little, but all he really did was sped up the rate of my own decay. Until there was nothing left.
I want/ed to die, so badly. If he hadn't told me it would destroy him to kill myself, I would have. Would still. I live not for the sake of living but for the sake of not harming him.
I suppose it makes about as much sense as clinging to the hope of ever seeing ][.
I dunno, man. I feel so human. It leaves me so lost.