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Twitchy (profile) wrote,
on 2-4-2005 at 6:08pm
well long time since the last update
guess I've just been a) busy with finals b) busy with people and misc. things and c) just a little confused
I'm not so afraid anymore to talk about me and talk about life, I used to fear opening up, not lately
the thing is, I question who I am, am I worth it, am I anything?
there's just alot I still don't know ... about what I'm going to do, the future and all things about life
I don't like being whiney, but I'm just a little lost and confused and bemused
lonely I suppose
no matter how many people are around I still feel alone
something's missing
maybe something I'll never have
but I feel like that scene in Garden State at the party where Zach Braff is on the couch just sitting there as people speed around him moving into his zone and out without event
a dazed life
oh well, what the hell
I'm trying to help myself, trying to make my life better, trying to fill myself up, trying to be a better person in general, because I'm not really a good person, not a very intelligent or enlightened person, just a confused guy ... maybe just a guy looking for something to feel right
yeah, sappy I know

some of you know I've been fighting depression for a while
my fault really, I turned down meds and tried to give myself a chance to improve myself, to fix myself, to do the right thing
I know alot of people deal with it, not saying anything's different
but I'm doing it alone, trying to catch it, trying to figure out what voices are me and what voices are the depression
and it's hard, because they've been there so long, always saying you're not worth it, you suck, you'll never amount to anything, everyone hates you, they plot against you, end it now, kill yourself. Every fucking moment of the day there's that negativity getting to the surface
but it's not like another person, it's like me, it feels like this is what I really think, it feels so real that it's hard to sort out what voices are truth and lies, what's really me and what isn't. Doing it alone is hard, it's all so confusing, maybe I am that worthless, maybe it should be over, I don't know sometimes, it's hard to keep swimming above water, not to drown. And I'm whining again, oh well, what the hell.

I guess I'll just keep trying to sort out my life



and I haven't cried since ...
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