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lovesolost511 (profile) wrote,
on 2-28-2005 at 4:46pm
Current mood: okay
Music: California-Phantom Planet
Its funny how i've learned to do so many things on my own. I don't expect anything from my family anymore, except critisism (did i spell that right??) well anyways. No, i'm not complaining about it. My parents have never been the "active in my kids lives" sorts. I mean, my sister yea, shes the star. I've always just been given something to do and had to do it on my own. I know i'm not the only one, but it seems sometimes like i am. like people don't understand completely what its like to have to face most things by yourself, or have to learn things that your parents should teach you on your own. I think though, this has been a good learning experiance for me. You know, life stuff. Yah, its pretty painful when i have to suffer for the stupid things i've done, and even the things i haven't done but still got blamed for. I know what to do and what not to do, i know how to hold my tongue, how to not cry in public, what to say (usually) and when, how to act on the phone, how to handle being humiliated by my parents/sister in public, how to not show my frustration, and basically how to hold it all in. But it gets tiring, it gets lonely. and usually, after a while i just fall apart. i suppose thats the part that is what makes me weaker than i should be. i'm not very good at keeping it in forever and ever. I go through those depressed "i hate myself" times and it seems like i dont even have these "times" anymore, it just runs along like a river, never stopping until finally i hit the ocean and eventually it all evaporates into the air, becoming nothing but tiny water molocules and then condensing itself into the rain. and then the cycle begins again. so i would like to apologize for this...retarded cycle, the one im trying to stop. this self destructiveness thats making all my friends frustrated with me.
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