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shiznit05 (profile) wrote,
on 3-2-2005 at 8:31am
Current mood: content
Music: keane
Subject: just about everything
its been awhile, i know

life has been extremely interesting lately...but, ive gotten to the point now where im pretty happy with it...

a few weeks ago i got out of school, and i did my normal rountine of calling my mom and filling her in and vise versa about my day and hers...she told me tat grandma m had called, and that grandpa had a heart attack...i just about swerved off the road, i dont take information like this very well, i always make the mistake of fearing the worst and what not...he was ok though, still is, he actually thought he had bronchitis, went to the dr and the dr told him 'well, sir, you had a heart attack two days ago', way to go gramps. i was scared though, i couldn't handle it..i tried to hold in the tears as much as i could, but it really wasnt possible...michael andrew came into work that day and talked to me, and i bawled. then that night we all were out at stevie's and i broke down in the kitchen...the look on daniel's face was priceless...they arent used to seeing me break down like that, they didnt know what to do...sara and megan just hugged me and honestly, they couldnt have done anything better. it was just hard to deal with...when bernard got really sick, i was at least able to go see him everyday, and i cant do that with grandpa..florida isnt just a quick drive away, and i think that's what got to me most

school has been going alright...i swear i havent been to a full week of school since we've been back from winter break. its insane, but i think im keeping up alright...bringman has gotten used to me not being there, and shes gotten used to me barging in on her newspaper class...at least she likes me, i feel bad for megan...

cominghome was pretty amazing, i went with james, which i guess there was some problem with? i still dont know the entire story, and honestly, i dont want to, we went together, and from my side of it, we had a great time...pictures were fun, dinner was yummy, we didnt fall during our walk, and the music was good...if they would have played some slow songs..but i guess we can't have it all...and congrats to james for being king..i dont know if i ever really congratulated him.

i came home from the dance around 2...i tried to ake it early, so my parents wouldnt be too worried..its a good thing i came home so early, because around 7 we called 911 for grandma because she was having the worst pains of her life, so we rushed her off...all i could do was sit by the window and stare at the EMS, i couldn't move, tears were streaming down my face, and i couldnt breathe. i didnt know what to do..this wasn't supposed to be happening, my heart cant take much more of this. this is my grandma, shes the one i used to call everyday when i was bored, and she kept moaning, and saying she was gonna die...i can't hear this, i felt like i was going to die, it honestly felt like someone was reaching in and just squeexing my heart...i dont know if i have ever been so scared...for her and for me..i dont know how i would live without her around...its selfish, but i dont care, i was scared, and i was trying to help grandpa, and he was holdng it together so well, and i was a mess, i felt so terrible, and he was trying to grab things for her that he thought she would need...glasses and such, and he couldn't get the zipper on his coat to work, ugh, worst experience of my life, everything was going so quickly around me and i didnt know what to do...i ended up spending most of the day at the ER, then i had to go to work...worst 4.5 hours ever. came home, she was admitted because nothing was coming up on any of the tests..shes home now though, and i head down every once and awhile to check up on her...shes doing ok...and im sorry to everyone who has had to sit and watch me cry...its gotta be uncomfortable, but i appreciate it

last night i was getting ready to go to bed, and i always fall asleep with my mp3 player, and a song came on, from a CD i bought last summer...and i normally try to skip over songs that remind me of last summer...which is a shame, i bought a lot of good music last summer...but last night i listened to it, and then i got to thinking...i was half asleep, so my thoughts weren't exactly linear, nor do they completely make sense, but i was happy with them at the time. i'm so happy right now...granted not everything is going as it should...friendships have cracked and everything is swirling around me and i feel out of control half the time, but im really happy...i was thinking back to the summer...i was so incredibly happy back then, and everyone knew it...i was walking around like a freaking bulb that just kept glowing...i remember the weekend i spent up in NY, i was sitting on the fort wall, staring out at the sunset talking on the phone...and i was so happy. i didnt think things could get much better..but looking back now, im so different than that girl that was sitting on that facade, that girl had false hopes, she was ignorant, and was playing right into a game. not really so much anymore...im out every weekend with different people..the group im with is never the same, and i like that, we're not doing that same thing, and i like that, there are nights when i dont want to go out and see people, and i dont have to, and i like that. i feel like, for the first time, im thinking a lot more for myself, i didnt use to do that...everyone used to depend on me for the information on what was going on that night...not anymore, and its pretty sweet, im just kinda going with the flow now...nothing matters that used to. now, dont get me wrong, i liked the girl from last summer...i was extremely happy with her at the time, but things change...if i was ever to go back to that girl, id pretty much have to shoot myself, i dont think i could put myself through that again, it worked at the time, but it woudlnt work now...and i think last ngiht was the first time i really realized that, and when the song was finished, i went through my song listings and listened to that entire CD...the entire CD that reminded me of last summer...that CD that i have so many memories and people tied into..and i just smiled...im happy now...and even though it really doesnt fit..i feel like i should thank YOU for it

track meetin was supposed to be yesterday, i talked to stacie in the hall the other day...neither one of us really has any ambition for it right now...i dont really know why, my last indoor meet sucked a lot, so that could have something to do with it...but its just not as fun anymore..like i have a feeling this season wont be as fun as the last few...no bob, no abby, no barger (hes annoying but i love him), adam and i will be civil - we always are, but things will be different, ian will be around - i love that kid, he's my saving grace sometimes and i dont think he knows it, and angie, i honestly dont know what i would do without her sometimes...so it'll be fun, but it'll be testing

3 weeks!


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