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LoupGarou (profile) wrote,
on 3-2-2005 at 8:09pm
Current mood: stressed
Music: The Lady of Shalott - Loreena McKennit
Subject: Terminal

"Aoibhneas a bhí
Ach d'imigh sin
Sé lean tú
Do fhear chéile.
An grá mór i do shaoil
Treoraí sé mé.
Bígí liomsa i gcónaí
Lá 's oích'.

Ag caoineadh ar an uaigneas mór
Na deora, go brónach
'Na gcodladh ins an uaigh ghlas chiúin
Faoi shuaimhneas, go domhain."
~ Smaionte - Enya
"There was blissfulness
But that is gone
You followed
Your husband.
The great love in your lives
Will guide me.
Be with me always
Day and night.

Weeping due to the great loneliness
The tears, sorrowfully
Asleep in the quiet green grave
In a deep peace."

Well I finally got the nerve up to ask my mom about Justin's grandma. I'm not sure if I wrote about it in here, but I should probably explain. Justin is one of my sister's best friends, and his grandma and he are very close to our family. About a year ago or so, she was diagnosed with cancer, both lung and brain. She was getting weaker, despite my prayers every night and the prayers of the others that knew her.

To get to the point, I asked my mom in the car yesterday: "Is Mrs. Hough going to die?" My mom hesitated a bit and said: "..yes."
It didn't necessarily surprise me, I had expected it I guess. My mom was talking to Justin's dad on the phone a few weeks ago, and they were talking about it, and the way my mom's voice was and the things she was asking kind of confirmed it for me. I cried the first time I heard about how she was doing. My mom said she went to drop Justin off at his house and she was in bed because she had fallen down and couldn't walk properly. Mom said that as she was talking to her, her eyes started to tear up. I imagine, staring at this woman so frail in bed, I would have too.
She says there seems to be a sense of denial about what's going on. When Mom asked about how Justin was doing, she said that they just wanted things to remain "As normal as possible."
I forget what visit it was, but Mom said that she asked Mrs. Hough what the doctors said, and she responded: "Oh, they said that there weren't going to be any more tests. And that if I needed anything I should just call hospice."
Well, hospice is for people who are dying. People go over to their house to make them as comfortable as possible.

Justin never knew his mother. His grandmother was the only mom he ever knew. I wonder how it will affect him. To feel the rejection of his mother, who left after he was born and is now God-knows-where; all we know is that she isn't in contact with Justin or probably his father at all, and then to have this woman dying, the woman who took care of him all his life like his mother should have. He lost his grandfather a few years ago, and now she's going too.
He calls her "Noni" though i'm not sure if that's how you really spell it. I think it's the Italian name for Grandma. She's the type of woman who talked and talked and kept on talking. She was involved with Justin's school and was there every wednesday to pick him up. Now we pick him up on Wednesdays because one week Mom and my sister saw Justin sitting there almost an hour or so after school and Denise asked why and he said he was waiting for is grandma. Mom called and she said that she had fallen down and couldn't gather the strength to go pick up Justin.
When I was sick in the hospital with appendisitis (I ended up staying there for about a month because it got infected) she and Justin came to visit me and she gave me this teddy bear that sits on a shelf or a desk and if you press a button it sings. Whenever I'd see her she'd wave and say "Hi Jessica! How are you?" And I remember one time when my dad was late picking us up she sat in the parking lot in her car and waited around for him to come so that we would't have to go to daycare.
She had good morals and wanted Justin to go to the best schools possible and encouraged him to do well in school.
But I'm talking like she's gone already.

I guess I kind of thought about it yesterday when we were in drama class and Sara got called out by the scary attendence office lady. She walked out thinking she was in trouble. We continued our discussion about relationships with our family members and how you could build a character out of that when Sara can back in, face kind of blank but flushed. Someone spoke up and asked what happened, thinking she was in trouble. Sara responded: "I'm leaving at nine o'clock tomorrow morning to go to my grandmother's funeral." And she broke down crying.

It made me think of Justin's grandma, and then I started thinking about what would happen if I lost my grandma. I love my grandma as much as I love my closest friends and family. I want to spend more time with her. When I heard about her last stroke a while ago, I started crying because I was scared. I don't know what I would do if I lost her. I want her to see me get married. I want her to meet my kids so that she can smile and watch them and become a great-grandma.

A few weeks ago my sister and I spent the night at her house and my grandma and I sat there together and watched movies together and made fun of them and talked most of the night. There was a wedding on one of the movies we were watching and I said: "I want to get married when it's all pretty and cloudy like that. Ooh! In a castle in Ireland!" (yes, like Marilyn mentioned). She smiled and said "What would be very pretty. You have to invite me, okay? And if I can't be there I'll be there in spirit." I saw the saddness in her eyes, and it made me very sad too. I still tried to smile and nodded and said "Ok."

And I can't help but think that Justin's grandma won't get to see him get married, she won't get to meet his children and hug them and kiss them and tell them stories and smile at their childish innocence and laughter. She won't get to see him go off to college and become the successful person that I know he will be.
My family won't get to have those long conversations with her about politics and the problems in the school, and I won't get to hear her say "Hi Jessica! How are you?" as I see her while walking around the campus of my sister's school.
When she leaves, things will be different. I hope she knows how much people love her company. I hope she remembers all the things that made her happy in her life. I hope she knows that we will miss her. And when she leaves, we will all be very sad.
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