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jaganshi (profile) wrote,
on 3-11-2005 at 10:06pm
The time before I have to go up to my parents' house is always the hardest. All I can think about is how tired I am of being lonely and separated from everything I care about. I hate that I have no choice. I have to go because I need a place to stay this summer.

But I hate it. This is the time before I've resigned myself to it, when I feel most separated from Brian... like a child locked out.

I'll sleep in our bed alone tonight. Then I won't see him tomorrow. Or the day after. I won't be able to call him either, since I don't have a calling card. I technically can't use IM.

I'm tired of being alone. I don't want it anymore. I know once I get up there I'll realize how stupid this all is, how little it all matters. Once I get home I won't be capable of hating anything.

Suffice it to say, I miss Brian and it's only been a few hours. I've gone longer without seeing him when I'm working. But at least then I knew I could go back to my room with him and that everything would be okay as long as he was there to make me happy. Now... I can't see the reason why. I'm leaving him for a week and I don't feel like I have a good reason to be so unhappy again. I don't want to go back.

Could you on this fair mountain leave to feed,
And batten on this moor?

I hate it. I hate being there, and I hate the person I have to be just so that I can stay here. I hate myself when I'm there, and there's nothing anyone can do about it. It doesn't do me any good to care.
For the next week, consider me as good as dead.
Have a lovely spring break everyone. I'll see you next Sunday. I'm leaving someone else in my place until then. She can deal with all this foolishness.
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