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|talithe (profile) wrote, |
on 3-22-2005 at 1:05am
|Subject: Insomnia invites a deep sense of hallucinogenic security.
|Ah, yes, the only times I seem to post updates here are either completely inconvenient or at untimely hours of the lonely night. In this case, I'd say the reason to be both -- I have work in a few hours and it's just past my hour of birth. Had I spent more hours being educated in sociology I'd suggest being up at this time to be a social deviance; however, I personally don't feel insomnia can single-handedly rule out people in a crowd to be said deviants for said sole reason.
And why am I still up? Insomnia, right? Yes. But, also the troubles of the sane mind are at work, at this time, as usual. There are so many insignificant little problems circling my mind, tracing my resolves with sardonic grins and a greatest annoyance uncalled for. A tailgater in particular has caused me some grief. Two friends are currently causing another. My comfort level with myself is dwindling, subsequently making my social comfort level deteriorating just as troublesomely. And no one notices, as usual. Not even the one person I am the most close to. Tonight I had to inform this friend what has been bothering me these past few days, and they never even suspected a thing was wrong the whole time. It's not as though I try to hide a problem, so I really can't figure out why no one ever knows.
I feel like I'm breaking down. Sometimes I wish, perhaps, my exterior would show a little of my pain so that some one will take notice, and maybe even care. Isn't that a sad thought? It's hard to come to terms with how I can feel this way, like everything is falling apart, when I have someone to trust who will trust me back. I do have someone who cares for me, and they mean a whole hell of a lot to me. So why do I feel this way?
Would having one more person who honestly cares about me make me feel relieved? No. I practically groan like a banshee at the question of why I don't own simpler emotions. I often tell people straight-forward advice, and many times they will tell me, "It's not that simple." I wish I could have their problems, in that case. Everyone elses' problems always seem a whole lot easier to figure out than your own, hasn't anyone else noticed that? Pretty sure it's that factor called sentiment, or even emotion. Because I care about a friend, I can't ask them to give me space to sort out my headaches. Because two friends are making a mistake, I can't tell them what's what lest they might see me as not a friend at all. And normally that's not even a problem, but I work with one and see the other almost on a daily basis. Then there's my sister, who my relationship recently has dwindled to more of an acquaintanceship for stupid remarks, but it was the type of snide comments that do hit me pretty hard. I honestly can't look at her the same again, she's less than a sister to me now. My other sister is also losing favor with me by hurting her unborn child, and preaching the whole time that what she does has no effect on the child's health. I often wonder why I was placed in this family. There is no love here. Just a few strangers in a broken house, that's all we are. In the past few months I've stayed at a friend's house most of the time. My weekends are always spent there, and now half of my week on top of that. Is it sad that I feel more loved in this friend's home? Because I do.
I don't know where I was going with this post, but I'm tired now. And Counter-Strike calls.