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SeraphimRhapsody (profile) wrote,
on 3-22-2005 at 10:04pm
Current mood: alone
Music: Tom's heavy rock Mix
Subject: butterflies dance in the sunlight
Home at 1 am this morning. Really tired.
The trip was awesome. Love spending time with friends like that. No words for it.

Mom came home from her trip a half hour before I woke up. Her yelling woke me up. She's really uspet. With good right.
Grandma's dying.
Well, she'sin Hospice now, which we all know what that means. Mom's sisters called saying they want the tubes turned back on.

When my grandparent's first got was already accepted that they were gone. No one can recover from those things. Grandpa would just keep drifting and Grandma would just give up. We all knew it was like they were already gone. That was Thanksgiving. But then you go and see them. So they're alive again. But then Grandpa dies and they're both gone again. We saw Grandma then....but she wasn't really there. She was in such pain. She'd given up a long time ago. Such shame she felt.

Grandpa's learns so much when people die. I found out I have 3 second cousins, all girls. They live in Miami. One's around my age, but I'm still older (yes, I take pride in that for some reason), the other are two or three years younger than the next. Found out mom had four cousins: one commited suicide, one was in an accident and had brain trauma, one has the three girls, and one's an Emory graduate who lives around Miami too (he's pretty cool, gave me some tips on Emory and just adopted another baby). I found out Grandpa had other siblings. The Grandfather of my second cousins died a number of years ago..but apparently I think he was alive when I was. Another sibling commited suicide (no idea on the connections with all these suicides). I'm pretty sure that's right. I'll have to check that. Found out Grandpa was in the WW2. I knew both of mine were in the war but was always told it was just for a few weeks nothing big...apparently he had had frostbite and was at the Battle of the Bulge we learned about the week before Spring Break. Also found out that Grandpa wrote poetry. Lots and lots of poetry. Very good poetry. I'm going to type it all up to save it.

He was cremated. I don't remember why. I tend to forget a lot of family details for some reason, even though I'm so curious about my family. They all forget the details too.

But Dega's dying again. She must be in such agony... She was the strongest woman I've ever known. Smaller than me and so frail. But always active and alive and in charge. I named her. Don't know why but I remember the day I decided to call her Dega.

I know it's not nice to say, but they were my favorite. Dega and Grandpa. Dad's side....I dunno. These two were my favorite. Of course that's why they were taken first. I have no words to experience loss with. I'm such a bad person at putting feelings into words. I usually prefer to just not register them. But my connection to Dega was too great. But this is just too difficult. I was hoping for some help.

I knew during the trip that Dega was leaving....I knew she wouldn't be there when I came home. It was so hard. But I didn't want to wake up to it.

Really pulls at the heartstrings.

With love...
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