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crazyblondeone (profile) wrote,
on 3-24-2005 at 10:34pm
Current mood: blank
Music: Right Here Waiting---Richard Marx
Subject: what is going on?!
yeah...well i know what it feels like when people say that they love
someone so much it hurts. its kinda wierd. are you supposed to feel like that when your going out with them though. it wierd. im love him. i
know i do and i know that people are gonna tell me that im not in
love...that im just in lust but i am in love. i know how i feel. its
wierd...i love him and i have never felt like this with someone before
but when im not with him it hurts....if that makes any sense. i dunno.
its a good hurt though. it feels right...i know that that made no sense
what so ever but oh well. heh. there are a million things running through my mind right now and i wish i could put words to them. its wierd. i know i say that a lot but it is. its just wierd. i dunno. its really scary being in love. i have never fallen in love before. it feels like i have totally lost control and that im in free fall. if that makes any sense. its a good loss of control...its just scary. im scared about when i leave. its gonna suck so bad. i dont wanna go. i wanna just stay here. i really wish i had a choice. if i could i would stay here....but i have no say in the matter. i just cannot believe that i actually have to leave. im gonna be 3 thousand miles away and alone. completely alone. yeah it'll be hard for my friends but they at least have ppl around to help them and to fall back on. i dont. all of my friends are gonna go on with their lives like i never existed while im stuck in a new city alone, scared, lost, and friendless. god. i dont wanna do that. its gonna hurt leaving daniel though. i love him so much and i dont want to leave. now that im going out with him i have a whole new motivation. i want to do good, i want to play good in my soccer games (more than before)...i just strive more and work harder because of him. its like i want to do whatever i can to make him proud. its wierd. i never did that with anyone else. i just want him to be proud of me. if you know what i mean. i know that sounds
pathetic. oh well. omg i love the rain. i dont like walking in it at school and stuff...but i love the sound and smell of it. its just so great. i love it when it looks all gray and gloomy outside. omg. and its evern better
when it looks like that outside and its actually raining. oh so great!
hehe. i think its raining right now but im not sure. i cant tell and i dont
feel like looking outside. lol. omg this is hilarious. bowling for soup
singing a britney spears song. lol. anyways that was random. omg i dont want anthony to drift. he is one of my best friends and lately he hasnt been around much. i know he has a lot on his mind and that he needs some time...but i just hope that he doesnt totally leave all of us. that would kill all of us. if he left it would be like a repeat of what happened in 8th grade and god knows brittanie and i couldnt handle
that. we couldnt handle people leaving us again. no no no. we both said we wont let it happen with anthony...but to tell you the truth...if he really wanted to leave there isnt much we could do about it. which
sucks. oh god. you know what...this is gonna sound totally stupid and
really random but right now i feel really safe. im not talking about in my house or anything...im talking about with my friends. last year i felt safe but it was just a false sense of security and it hurt like hell when it all came crashing down...but this year it hasnt done that. its been real. safe. special. if that makes any sense. i know that if i ever needed one of my friends for something they would always be there to help. at east i think so. its wierd because i dont have control over my heart anymore. i left my heart in daniel's hands. im trusting him not to break it. i have never done that with anyone before. im guessing my way through everything so im kinda scared right now. heh. wow its really late and im really tired so im gonna go. now that i totally just made a fool out of myself and got all sappy and actually opened up im gonna go. i dont normally do that. oh crap. anyways ttfn.
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