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chuckitatthewall (profile) wrote,
on 4-4-2005 at 10:35pm
Stupid crap has happened that is really annoying and mean and horrible.
My sister is evil. This weekend she said that she will never come over to our house again because we have issues. I know we have issues but so does she therefore she has no right to say that. It hurts. I called her today because thats what my phsycologist (Sp) said to do. So I told her that I really missed her and how much it was hurting me never to be able to see her. I even read her some stuff that I wrote in my paper journal. I wrote her a letter in there that I never mailed because it was more of a letter that was helping me organize my feelings about the whole situation. The letter talks about how we used to have so much fun and I mentioned the things we used to do and talk about, our deep bond that we had that was broken because of her. Its so awful feeling like she hates me. Enough people hate me as it is. Why should my sister hate me too? In the letter I wrote "I hate feeling like I have dropped to the bottom your list people you love." I read her that and she said "Marilyn, you know that you haven't dropped to the bottom of my list but things are going on that you can't understand." Its stinking ridiculous. I'm old enough to understand a lot of things but she doesn't know me anymore so she doesn't realize that I am smart and mature for my age when I need to be. Its so frustrating. She hardly knows anything about me anymore because she doesn't bother to find out. I try to find out about her by asking questions but there really isn't anything to know because everything about her is on the surface. What you see with her is what you get and I hate it like that. This summer she said that we do will do more things together but I know thats a lie. Last summer, when she wasn't pregnant (well barely pregnant), we only saw eachother twice because she was always busy. Busy doing what? I don't know. I'll never have a clue what she does in that fucked up house of hers that really isnt hers. Its James' parents house that is on the property of their other house and bigass recycling company thing. I wish I could dive into her brain and untange it so that I can figure out what is wrong with her so I can tell everyone else so they can help her. Oh this feeling is truly horrible.

Other things. Cynthia's mom is mean because she won't pay for their cat to go to the vet for its sickness. That makes me sad.

I'm depressed or something. I dunno. I keep crying for no reason or for stupid reasons. I started crying because of the cat thing and then I was in the middle of doing math that I didn't get and I almosted started crying cause I didn't get it. Damnit. It sucks. I hate being sad and not being able to control it. In fact, just talking about it chokes me up. I just wanna write this in here because I don't feel like putting it on paper so shut up if you find my talking about crying annoying. Don't read it! Anyway, while I was talking to Monica I started crying just because I missed her. Just in the middle of when she was talking I started crying. Its fucking screwed up. This has been going on for like 2 months now. Well..actually since February around the time of the baby shower but not as bad then. I realized that I really have a bad example of what a good mother/ daughter relationship should be. I had to ask Mary because I started to think it was normal for you not to talk to your mother or even family every week. How pathetic! Thats so screwed up too. My mom hates her mom. Monica hates mom. I love mom. I guess I'm the one with the issues, right? When you move out you are supposed to talk to your family every day or every couple of days at the very least because you need them. Never adopt your husband/boyfriend's family because whether or not you want to admit it, you need your own flesh and blood a lot. You need their support and their love more than someone else's family's love and support.

I just hope things change....
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