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jburt1 (profile) wrote,
on 4-5-2005 at 2:34am
Current mood: stressed/depressed/anxious/nervous
Music: get up kids "is there a way out?"
Subject: something's wrong but I don't know what
My mind has been racing all night, all evening really. Even at theresa's surprise birthday party, I was pretty quiet. I don't know what's wrong with me, but I've been more tired than usual and I'm falling behind in my school work. I know that I'm happy here at Loyola. I was just thinking today about how much I've grown since high school, and it's incredible. I'm much more of a real person, although I'm sure I still have a ways to go. As bad as this sounds, I think new experiences, especially drinking, helped that. I was feeling bad about my drinking habits, but I've proven that I can exercise self-control so now it's not such a problem. I have a six-pack in my fridge. I think I'll have 2-3 beers this weekend, as long as I make it through this week of hell. I have to read an entire novel for honors, take a calc test, ace my econ midterm, and somehow do an honors paper by friday. Shit on me now. Tonight I walked down the pier with sara, theresa, and keith. It made me miss home and all the times spent at the beach in muskegon. Sara knew that something was wrong tonight. I tried to tell her there wasn't, but who am I kidding? Something's wrong, but I can't put my finger on it. I had an "undefineable uneasiness." So much so, that I decided to go out and buy a pack of cigarettes. I finally smoked an entire cigarette by myself, but it wasn't a pleasant experience. My throat hurts, my nose is runny, and the smoke still in my lungs is leaving a bad taste in my mouth. I thought it'd help to calm me. Maybe I did, but I don't know. Maybe I'm calm, but it didn't solve my problems. I should really give the pack to someone else. It's bad because at the same time I feel peer pressure to smoke, even though none of my friends do. And now I feel ike an idiot. I hope sleep will help.
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