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mle (profile) wrote,
on 4-24-2005 at 3:03pm
Current mood: . introverted .
Music: . matchbox romance . my eyes burn .
Subject:
. taking the good with the bad .


shitty weekend. in general. snow doesn't help, especially when i was supposed to get to paint the rock for our little rally thing for sfl. i was stoked.
and the rally went well, aside from the crazy protesters who ended up getting misdemeanors for the same old bs they always pull... there was an awesome band who played, and their guitarist ran up and started flirting w/ me mid-song. :)
i love those sfl kids. the guys are nice and the girls are so kickass. like, i'm always comfortable w/ them. my mentor even showed up, whom i totally adore. and mint mocha frappucino? receives a 9 in my book. needed more of a coffee taste, for sure, though.

but i wanted marcus to leave as soon as he got here friday night. yesterday morning i was counting down till he left. i just.. feel so lazy, so cornered, so leashed up with him. like i cant get anything done, nor can i go out or party.
and i tried to go out last night with the girls. failed because they're all fucking bitches and i seriously hate the way they treat me.
especially because of their late-night drunken antics.

so i was totally bummed out, just sitting online and being a total loser after they left, and nicholas calls me. yes, nicholas-the-love-of-my-life (if he were not gay, that is) who never calls anyone back. totally made my night. then stephy and michelle started talking to me. yay-ness. and ken came down to hang out. we've never hung out outside of sfl, so i thought it was going to be uber-awkward. not at all. he stayed until 530am, just sitting around talking. of course, interrupted several times by the girls, who came back in a few waves, just trashed out of their minds.
there's something about him. i can't put my finger on it. he's so nice, and so easy to open up to. i mean, i feel like he knows more about me after one night than all of the girls combined do, including sarah. craziness. and he talked a lot about his love life and his family. things i never would have expected out of him. i mean, this kid has never been further west than minnesota, but he's studying abroad in israel and bangladesh for his senior year. we joked that i should go to bangladesh when he does, because i had originally wanted to go on that internship program (until i decided that going to 6 continents during undergrad was an important goal, and that thailand > bangladesh). (oh yea - and i calculated today: my 4 study abroads will run me $21,000 plus airfare and some meals - holy crap, huh?)
and he convinced me to swap my racquetball class so that we can be in the same class. that's going to be a total blast. at 8am, apparently (yuck).
but i'm excited to be vp under him, well as of yesterday. i know - me be excited about being #2? craziness.

sometimes, i feel the fear of uncertainty stinging clear
and i can't help but ask myself how much i let the fear
take the wheel and steer
it's driven me before...
but lately i am beginning to find that
i should be the one behind the wheel
. incubus . drive .

and as much as i tried to avoid it, the marcus deal came up when ken and i were talking. every time i talk to someone else about him, i come to realizations. marcus would yell at me for letting others mess with my mind, but in reality, it's just the fact that hearing yourself be honest out loud not only gets things off your chest, it helps you to analyze them. like riding back to state with a family friend on friday. me and her had never really talked directly about stuff because, well, she's my mom's best friend.
but the reactions i get from people about the situation... they all realize instantly that i'm being controlled by a boyfriend that i broken up with 6 months ago.
i mean, this kid didn't want me to hang out w/ one of my best friends from high school when i went home on thursday night. um, his girlfriend just died from a coma from a car accident... and marcus didn't want me to see him (and made me call him as soon as i got home to tell him nothing happened and was pissed that we went to jimmy's house and a party) because we've had something in the past that never quite went anywhere. marcus's going to italy has completely depended upon whether or not i had feelings or hooked up with other guys. he asks me every week if he is still going to italy, because he refuses to if i have done something with anyone or felt any inclinations with any boys. now, obviously, in the past 6 months this has been broken a few times.. but when it does, he gets pissed as hell at me and acts like i cheated on him and blames his choice not to go to italy on me (when he was the one who placed the "no-boy" stipulation)

and this weekend made me realize
that i can never have a relationship with this child ever again.

because he ruined it for the both of us.
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