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spud (profile) wrote,
on 4-25-2005 at 8:46pm
Music: still miles davis.
Subject: sandwich update ... egg food
i am having some trouble recollecting my previous food adventure specifically, so please forgive me. if you had seen as much as i have, you'd have trouble distinguishing between food adventures after awhile too...

well, my latest endeavour was one born out of necessity. after all, only the strong survive. apparently i'm strong. either that, or i'm morbidly obese (bmi = 31.5). anyway, after a long day of study at the local potato academy (high school), i went to my friend trevor's house for a game of "keep your eyes on the ginsu". most of me is still here, after 2 and a half arduous hours of dodging whirling blades. what parts of me that aren't here are not required for procreation, and have been donated to Charity (trevor's pet ferret). i never knew ferrets liked french fries. well, actually they're american fries. anyway...

i had to refuel my bushel of washers on my way home, which was a huge fiasco, and cost me the most money in the history of money i've spent on peanut oil.
....needless to say, i had to then go to the auto wash adjacent to the fuel distibution hub to get the mess cleaned up.

by the time that was finished, and i had returned home, i realized that i was famished. and as i looked for food, i realized that my cupboards were barren, because mom ... er, i mean... my roommate... had cleaned everything out in preparation for our relocation to something a little more suburban.

thinking on my feet, knowing that soon my feet would be out from under me if i didn't replenish my glucose, i took three eggs from a container that said "do not consume after April 21 under penalty of 'you die'." ... or something like that. i scrambled the raw eggs in a disposable plastic bowl with a salad fork, because everything else in the house was completely gone, put half a stick of butter in our lone frying pan, and once it had melted, poured the raw egg mixture into the pan (on medium heat), and covered the pan with a ceramic plate. then i praised my ingenuity. upon the conclusion of my egpcentric acclamations, i found a large bag of lunchlady cheese in the fridge, that i'm sure was too saturated with preservatives to ever spoil or mold, and something in the pantry that resembled a cinderblock composed of a starch-based material. the cinderblock came pre-sliced, so i retrieved 4 slices, and placed the remainder back in the pantry... not in the garbage, where it should have gone. once the egg/butter amalgamation solidified, i sprinkled some of the indelible (but not inedible) cheese on top, replaced the lid, and melted the cheese over low heat. once the cheese had melted, i cut the concoction in half, and placed each half on a slice of starchbread. i took the 2 remaining slices of starchbread and placed them both on one of the sandwiches, leaving the other openfaced. i poured myself a solo(tm) cup of milk, and placed it on the floor. then i sat on the floor indian style, with the plate of sandwiches on my lap (yes the same plate i used as a cover) and proceeded to ward off the dogs who were vying for the "food" i had made, even though i had fed them THEIR food, not ten minutes ago.

from there, it's pretty self-explanatory...

but i will say this:

... legend has it, that if you go there today, you can still hear his ghost in the dining room screaming "GAAAAAH, THE KNIVES IN MY TUMMY!!!!!" which is inevitably followed by a particularly excruciating bit of flatulence.

then i made my bed.

THE END
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