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fallenfaces (profile) wrote,
on 5-2-2005 at 4:48pm
Subject: " I read it and think, 'this isn't me.' "
There was this little girl on the bus this morning. She had a stuffed animal, kitten with her. It was wrapped up in her scarf, and had big, beatie eyes. She sat there adoring and petting it then smacked some girl in the head with it and laughed. Then another little girl grabbed it from her and a huge frown covered her face as she sulked in her seat. She snatched it back.
I lost that innocence.
The thought that getting that kitten taken away from her was probably the worst thing she could imagine. Being so small in a huge world and not even knowing it. Kids are so materialistic. Not being exposed to what real problems are. I almost wish I had that innocence back. Remembering thinking that if my house was to catch on fire, I'd die without my favorite stuffed toy and I'd grab my blanket because life without that would be all to much.

I have been thinking a lot today and I'm scared. I have a year left before I graduate. A year left of this safety. The security of knowing I always have somewhere to go and be. Even if I didn't want to be there I had not much of a choice. Having somewhere you have to be is better than having no where. Don't get me wrong, I loathe school, but I love the safe feeling. I still have no idea what I want to do after I graduate. I know it's going to be challenging. The first time I will experience a true hardship. School isn't challenging in the slightest. I have a 3.89 gpa. Not because I am smart, I just know how to turn in work. I get all A's though I'd be satisfyed with C's. I mean, look at my classes. I could've taken much harder classes and passed, but I lack any motivation. My theory is no one is really, truly more intelligent than the other (excluding natural born geniuses of course) but others are just more motivated. Some people give a shit and others just don't. I have had a negative attitude on school since I can possibly remember. My attitude has never changed. I decided from a young age I'd be in the easiest classes offered and nothing more. So that's what I got. I don't regret it really because out of Highschool I don't want to learn or study about things that don't interest me. I want a steady, office job, and a side job doing what actually makes me content. I just want a life worth living. I don't want to struggle my whole life. If I can struggle, but end relaxed and worry free it's all I would ask.
This is the point where I make it or I don't.

So far I don't regret anything I've done. This year has been crazy, I've learned a hell of a lot. I've gotten stronger. So much stronger. I've been more.. (I hate to use the word sad, but depressed would be stretching it so sad will have to do), than any other time in my life. I've seen people change. I've haven't became weak, I've stood up for myself against people I love the most. The impossible happened and it's not what I dreamed it would be. But, dreams are fake and I'm fucking glad, because this is real. And I need real.

I've lost a few friends. But, I feel like I gained more from losing them. Until they reach the point where they understand their selfishness they'll lose what they need the most; love. I don't know why I say 'they' I'm talking about one person. And he knows who he is. I hope you become yourself one day. Until then, bye. I still want that phone call though. Maybe that will complete you.

I could write for hours, but this is woohu. And to me it all seems pointless. I care about you all a lot. I'll miss you. I hope to see you when I hit life, I wish you luck. Though I doubt you'll need it.
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