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|SeraphimRhapsody (profile) wrote, |
on 5-2-2005 at 10:48pm
|Current mood: hasn't hit me yet
Music: the new songs LimeWire gave me
Subject: we are who we are when
| 4/28 was the last test of my high school career. It was a Calculus Mock.
Today was the last day of high school. Last actual full day with meaningful classes and teachers and all the kids and all. I might go on Friday. But it just won't be the same.
It's really weird. Today was the last day I'll eat food from the cafeteria. The last time I'll eat at the top tier with the other seniors. The last percussion class with my boys. It's a mildly upsetting feeling to know that they're moving on without me.
Grad Nite was Friday. Bus with Anderson and the regulars. Kinda not happy. 5 hours up. Tough. Went around the park with Amanda, Lauren, Amalia, Anderson, Gabe, and Chris (don't ask). It was SO MUCH FUN! There was like no wait for the rides! We ran through the line set-up at Pirates of the Carribean. Skipped through the line set-up for Splash Mountain. We did Splash Mountain twice. The second time I even did it with one arm up! And both up for all the little ones! ALL! So proud. Took lots of pics at Small World and some illegal ones from Peter Pan. Haunted Mansion rocked my socks. Thunder Mountain broke right before we got on. Philharmagic was really cute. Singing along rocked.
There was just something uber cool about running through Magic Kingdom at 2 in the morning with your friends and a whole bunch of seniors listening to Yellowcard play live.
We met some kids from Mass. For some reason I thought this was just FL. Was pretty weird seeing kids who actually flew in for this. Crazy stuff. Bought a whole bunch of pins. Awesome Grad Nite pin!
5 hour drive back. KILLER. So much pain. -.-
3 hours sleep. Up for Ensemble Concert. Played all 3 ensembles...interesting improvs but the crowd loved it.
I feel.....so out of place. So awkward. So left-out. It's like middle school and I hate it. Like I don't fit in with anyone. They have nothing to write me. Nothing to say to me. I realize I haven't ever really been myself. I realize I don't even know what myself really is. I'm too afraid from past experiences and how people reacted then. And then I see the girls acting like how I used to then and....resent not being open anymore. But I was hurt so many times already...can you blame me? No one would even help me take my truck down the slope I was that despised. They looked down on me like I was diseased. Do you know what it's like to feel that way?
I realize that I can't go four years keeping ties with the same people. They're gone. I doubt they'll want to keep up with me.
Still hurts so much. And people think I don't care what others think about me. A curse. Curse me. Curse them. Die. And here I have to grow. Oh goodness, I forgot about going back to say hi to the nurses. I guess I will have to go Friday.
And still my yearbook is filled with messages I don't dare read. What does this mean?
Are they fake? I suppose so...but which? How many? Surely not all...
So many signs pointing noways and allways and upways and sideways. I don't know what to do or what to believe.
I hope the summer is as much hanging out and fun as I picture in my head. Parties every week? Times spent with all of them? Getting to know the most obscure peoples even a little better? But as the one signature said, "What does it matter? I leave in a few months anyway and it's not like I would've kept in touch anyway. I'll forget that they ever existed and then what does it matter? I won't keep in touch with any of the people from high school anyway."
Bittersweet? Pessimistic. All I ever predicted. Maybe.....is that why I can never open myself truthfully? To people I tried so hard to get close to? I still expected to leave them? Fear of abandonment?!? WTH. That can't be true.
IB Exams start tomorrow. Start. Tomorrow. TOMORROW. TOMORROW!!!
*sigh* It hasn't hit me yet. Will it ever? Meh. I dunno. Guess it doesn't matter anymore. Ah, I can only predict the relief I will feel when these are done.
Tomorrow is Calculus.
Crappy. Random burst of sharing emotion. Must be the 'late night' and stress from all the anticipating.
*continues to free-fall down the abyss and waits to feel the KER-SPLAT of the coolcoolbrimstone*
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